So, it's been a long time since I've written. There are so many excuses I could probably write an entire post rationalizing why I haven't made the time. But I know why. I haven't been on my knees praying...immersed in the word...constantly seeking His face. I've drifted, temporarily lost His voice. You see, that's what happens. I got better. I forgot. My focus adjusted and I became far sighted. My time frame no longer consisted of making it through each day. It became next week...next month...our 5 year plan. I allowed myself to get irritated with my kids over small stuff, to not hold my tongue with the ones I love most. Because for the time being, there's no daily appointments, no blood work, no more pain. The everyday nonsense of life has slowly pulled me away, little by little. I've become lukewarm, mindlessly going through the motions of obedience. I have forgotten to cherish every second.
A few weeks ago at the end of the sermon our pastor asked us if there was ever a time where we felt closer to the Lord. I started crying. It broke my heart that I had allowed myself to wander. Thanksgiving drove it home even harder. This was the first "real" holiday since I've finished treatments. Yes, I know the other holidays are real. :) By "real" I just mean Thanksgiving is a holiday that revolves around family. I could honestly care less if there's a big, stuffed turkey on the table (I'm sure my vegan brother would appreciate that). I actually tried to talk my mom into getting frozen pizzas so we could just hang out and watch football. Needless to say, I lost that argument. But, it really does stand for family, togetherness, friendship, fellowship, thankfulness. It makes you reflect on everything your thankful for. While perusing Pinterest that day, it hit me - this day could have been very different. I know it's morbid to think about, but sometimes you need those wake up calls. To remember - EVERY day is borrowed. I know I do!!
I'm pretty sure people think I'm ridiculous when I say this, but sometimes it's the hard stuff in life that makes you realize how truly great life is. Now I look back, and realize everything I've been through prepared me for the next. If I wouldn't have pushed through the hard stuff as a young adult I wouldn't have been prepared to face cancer. I also wouldn't be as grateful. But, hindsight is always 20-20....
I'm a visual person - so if I see it (mental pictures) I can do it, so this is one of the metaphors I use. In front of me is Jesus, behind me is the enemy. The harder I run towards Him, the harder the enemy tries to pull me back. With each jerk, the enemy rips off a layer of the old me. In my desperate pursuit of Christ I am made newer, fresher, lighter, giving me the ability to run faster toward Him. The Word = my Gatorade, prayer & quiet time = my carbs. The enemy thinks he's breaking me down, but in truth each time I overcome his grip, I become stronger, so that the next time he tries to get a hold on me, I can more easily escape his grasp. I am armed to turn and fight. I will never sit. I will never give up. I will never let the devil defeat me. I may stumble, but I will forever keep running - sprinting. I have been derailed lately, but I am going to get back on track - full force and ready to go! I am making imperfect progress (love that description from Lysa TerKeurst)!!
I am a child of God. I want to live boldly for Jesus. Be a blazing fire for Him, in a world full of darkness.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
John 3:16
It's been a LONG time since I last posted, and actually a lot has happened! Most importantly, I found out a few weeks ago that my PET scan came back clear, so I am cancer free! Amazing news, and a total blessing!!!
This post really has nothing to do with my fight with cancer, but deals with my relationship with God - those situations you face on a daily basis.
Last week Bella was invited to go out of town with her best friend, and her family, on Saturday. Not a super, long trip, but about 2 hours away. Now I know that as your child grows it brings about all sorts of new "firsts", which in turn brings about all sorts of new emotions. Fears. She's been out of town with my parents before, she even went as far as South Dakota with them, but this was the first out-of-town trip that wasn't with family. I let her go, but immediately after I said yes, I felt like I was going to throw up.
I kept fretting, going over the what-ifs, literally freaking myself out - what if something happened, what if I couldn't get there in time, what if that would be the last time I kissed her cheek and told her 'I love you', what if?? I was a nervous wreck almost the whole week! This was one of those times I seriously needed to be grounded. To be kept from drifting off into Paranoidville! Thanks to my friend Shannon, she told me, "You've just got to put her in God's hands." So simple. So obvious. Then it hit me. Guilt. Guilt that my faith had been lacking. Guilt that I thought I had control.
Sunday after church, the kids and I went with my parents to Oklahoma City to visit my grandma. There was a point during the trip while I was driving, and everyone else had fallen asleep, so I started praying. I thanked God that He had returned my precious Bella to me safely, and that we would have a safe trip to OKC, and back. I also apologized for not seeking Him. That He wasn't the first one I went to, to calm my fears. That I was sorry. Sorry that I hadn't instinctively known His plan is always better. That everything has a greater purpose - whether, in our worldly view, it is good or bad. In that moment I was so completely, and utterly consumed with emotion that the tears immediately began flowing from my eyes.
You see, I love my children dearly. They are both miracles from Heaven, and I wonder daily what I've done to deserve so much goodness. Their hugs, their kisses, their innocent happiness. I would go to the ends of the earth for them. I would do chemo everyday for the rest of my life, if it meant a better life for them. I would give up my life to spare theirs. I would do anything for them! In my moment of weakness, vulnerability, confessing my heart, I knew. I understood. I sobbed. He gave me a microscopic look into what He had done. He spoke to my heart - that is how much you love your children, but THIS is how much I loved you. I cry now, as I write....overwhelming feelings....
John 3:16. The most important verse in the entire Bible. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one, and ONLY son, that whoever believes in Him, shall not parish, but have eternal life." He died for me. For everyone. Everyone past, present, and future. All of us. Those of us who on a daily basis forget Him, are ungrateful for His gifts, those of us who refuse to fully trust Him. Jesus took the burden of our sins - so that we have the gift of eternal life. It's intense! When I think about if I had to make that decision regarding my child, my heart aches. The thought literally makes my body hurt. For this very purpose I try harder, every single day, to follow His footsteps. Yes, I fail. But, I keep trying harder and harder, to further His kingdom, so that others may experience this incredible gift. The gift of ultimate love!
This post really has nothing to do with my fight with cancer, but deals with my relationship with God - those situations you face on a daily basis.
Last week Bella was invited to go out of town with her best friend, and her family, on Saturday. Not a super, long trip, but about 2 hours away. Now I know that as your child grows it brings about all sorts of new "firsts", which in turn brings about all sorts of new emotions. Fears. She's been out of town with my parents before, she even went as far as South Dakota with them, but this was the first out-of-town trip that wasn't with family. I let her go, but immediately after I said yes, I felt like I was going to throw up.
I kept fretting, going over the what-ifs, literally freaking myself out - what if something happened, what if I couldn't get there in time, what if that would be the last time I kissed her cheek and told her 'I love you', what if?? I was a nervous wreck almost the whole week! This was one of those times I seriously needed to be grounded. To be kept from drifting off into Paranoidville! Thanks to my friend Shannon, she told me, "You've just got to put her in God's hands." So simple. So obvious. Then it hit me. Guilt. Guilt that my faith had been lacking. Guilt that I thought I had control.
Sunday after church, the kids and I went with my parents to Oklahoma City to visit my grandma. There was a point during the trip while I was driving, and everyone else had fallen asleep, so I started praying. I thanked God that He had returned my precious Bella to me safely, and that we would have a safe trip to OKC, and back. I also apologized for not seeking Him. That He wasn't the first one I went to, to calm my fears. That I was sorry. Sorry that I hadn't instinctively known His plan is always better. That everything has a greater purpose - whether, in our worldly view, it is good or bad. In that moment I was so completely, and utterly consumed with emotion that the tears immediately began flowing from my eyes.
You see, I love my children dearly. They are both miracles from Heaven, and I wonder daily what I've done to deserve so much goodness. Their hugs, their kisses, their innocent happiness. I would go to the ends of the earth for them. I would do chemo everyday for the rest of my life, if it meant a better life for them. I would give up my life to spare theirs. I would do anything for them! In my moment of weakness, vulnerability, confessing my heart, I knew. I understood. I sobbed. He gave me a microscopic look into what He had done. He spoke to my heart - that is how much you love your children, but THIS is how much I loved you. I cry now, as I write....overwhelming feelings....
John 3:16. The most important verse in the entire Bible. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one, and ONLY son, that whoever believes in Him, shall not parish, but have eternal life." He died for me. For everyone. Everyone past, present, and future. All of us. Those of us who on a daily basis forget Him, are ungrateful for His gifts, those of us who refuse to fully trust Him. Jesus took the burden of our sins - so that we have the gift of eternal life. It's intense! When I think about if I had to make that decision regarding my child, my heart aches. The thought literally makes my body hurt. For this very purpose I try harder, every single day, to follow His footsteps. Yes, I fail. But, I keep trying harder and harder, to further His kingdom, so that others may experience this incredible gift. The gift of ultimate love!
Monday, June 17, 2013
I Kneel Humbly at Your Feet
Well last Thursday was officially my last treatment! Chemo. Check. Radiation. Check. In 60-90 days I will get another scan to determine if it is all gone. It will be nice to start feeling good again, and for my life to go back to normal. They said it would take a few months for that, but all in due time. Besides, I won't have to spend hours at the doctor's office - waiting...being poked...and all the other "fun" things that come along with cancer treatment. It's almost over!
I want to start off by explaining why I don't post very often. The main reason is because I want to write posts that are meaningful. That are really going to glorify Him, and spread His word. That is the entire reason I wanted to start this blog. Here lately it's been because I have been disconnected. I feel as if I have been so busy lately that I have let all the treatments, end-of-the-year school activities, studying, work, etc. take center stage. And, unfortunately my relationship with God has been pushed to the back burner. Until yesterday it had been weeks since I read my Bible, and although I pray on a daily basis, I hadn't been actively seeking Him. He spoke to me this week, though. Every time I turned around I was faced with the same topic. He put all the puzzle pieces together for me, and showed me what I need to be working on. Humility.
Humility, according to dictionary.com is the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc. By this definition, and the world's standard, I feel like I do a decent job. I always try to think of others first, and I'm definitely not cocky. But, according to God's standard, I always fall short. All too often I lose sight of the main purpose of my existence - to have a relationship with Him, and bring others to know Him. If I want to serve my ultimate purpose that means I need humility - I need to take the me out of me, and stay focused on Him.
I need to guard my heart from the enemy because he knows exactly where my weaknesses are. For instance, my blog. I want to share my testimony in hopes that it will help others to come to know, and accept Christ. I can't let the devil play on my need for validation. The fact that I want others to like me. Because lets face it, everyone has that internal desire to be loved by others. The need for "popularity". Everyone has their own way of seeking it. So, ultimately if I'm not steadfast in my purpose, I can allow him to turn sharing my faith into a form of "self-worship". That is why I have tried hard to not just throw up any ol' post. It doesn't matter how many followers I have, how many page views I get, or how many likes I get on Facebook. All that matters is that He is glorified in everything I do, and that it is truly for that one and only purpose.
I started reading Proverbs last night, and I actually wrote this on a notecard to keep with me. I want to be reminded constantly of what I need to do, and to protect myself from the enemy because his main purpose is to destroy me.
"Such are the paths of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the life of those who get it." Proverbs 1:19
I literally just now switched over to FB, and this was on my news feed (Proverbs 31 Ministries). Couldn't have said it better!
I want to start off by explaining why I don't post very often. The main reason is because I want to write posts that are meaningful. That are really going to glorify Him, and spread His word. That is the entire reason I wanted to start this blog. Here lately it's been because I have been disconnected. I feel as if I have been so busy lately that I have let all the treatments, end-of-the-year school activities, studying, work, etc. take center stage. And, unfortunately my relationship with God has been pushed to the back burner. Until yesterday it had been weeks since I read my Bible, and although I pray on a daily basis, I hadn't been actively seeking Him. He spoke to me this week, though. Every time I turned around I was faced with the same topic. He put all the puzzle pieces together for me, and showed me what I need to be working on. Humility.
Humility, according to dictionary.com is the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc. By this definition, and the world's standard, I feel like I do a decent job. I always try to think of others first, and I'm definitely not cocky. But, according to God's standard, I always fall short. All too often I lose sight of the main purpose of my existence - to have a relationship with Him, and bring others to know Him. If I want to serve my ultimate purpose that means I need humility - I need to take the me out of me, and stay focused on Him.
I need to guard my heart from the enemy because he knows exactly where my weaknesses are. For instance, my blog. I want to share my testimony in hopes that it will help others to come to know, and accept Christ. I can't let the devil play on my need for validation. The fact that I want others to like me. Because lets face it, everyone has that internal desire to be loved by others. The need for "popularity". Everyone has their own way of seeking it. So, ultimately if I'm not steadfast in my purpose, I can allow him to turn sharing my faith into a form of "self-worship". That is why I have tried hard to not just throw up any ol' post. It doesn't matter how many followers I have, how many page views I get, or how many likes I get on Facebook. All that matters is that He is glorified in everything I do, and that it is truly for that one and only purpose.
I started reading Proverbs last night, and I actually wrote this on a notecard to keep with me. I want to be reminded constantly of what I need to do, and to protect myself from the enemy because his main purpose is to destroy me.
"Such are the paths of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the life of those who get it." Proverbs 1:19
I literally just now switched over to FB, and this was on my news feed (Proverbs 31 Ministries). Couldn't have said it better!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
The Lady Behind the Plastic Mask - Part 2
I had my first actual radiation treatment today, and I have to say I didn't feel any different after than I did before, which is good. These first few initial appointments will be longer, the nurse said, because they spend time making sure I'm lined up correctly, and so on. That's one of the things I forgot to mention in the last post...they put little dot tattoos on you! I have one on each side, and then one on my stomach...and they're permanent. Not that that bothers me. I LOVE tattoos!! I think I might make them into something pretty after I'm all done! :) Anyways, they use them to line me up on the table. They had to take extra films today for the doc because I have a supraclavicular tumor (hope I said that right), so depending on the position of my arms it can show up higher or lower. That can be a pain for them! The nurse told me to be prepared tomorrow because she was going to mark on me. I already have a few blue sharpie marks covered with clear stickers. I'm starting to look somewhat like a pin cushion...just kidding!
The longer I'm on the table with the mask over my face the worse my "scales" get. It doesn't actually hurt, it's just kind of uncomfortable.
The longer I'm on the table with the mask over my face the worse my "scales" get. It doesn't actually hurt, it's just kind of uncomfortable.
It would make me look sorta crazy if I were to go out for lunch right after....it goes away fairly quickly though.
The machine they use was nothing like what I expected. I had this mental picture in my head, and then when I walked in the room I was like "WHOA!" The bed is literally a board with a little neck holder, which is what the mask actually gets snapped to. Then the bed gets raised up pretty high, and the machine then moves around you to where they're going to "shoot" you. The whole experience is pretty weird, but at least it doesn't last too long!
Monday, May 13, 2013
The Lady Behind the Plastic Mask
Last Friday I had my 3rd CT scan and met with Dr. Lee (my radiation oncologist). This scan was a little different, and I was completely unprepared for what was going to happen (BIG mistake wearing a dress)! The hospital gown went well with my heels though, LOL!!
After the nurse asked me basic medical questions Dr. Lee came in and we went over all the POSSIBLE side effects of the radiation treatments...there are so many it was easier to just post the picture.
Some of them are kinda scary. Like the fact that I'm so young it puts me at a higher risk for thyroid issues, heart problems, and breast cancer later in life. I just hold to the fact that everyone's experience with treatments are different (so none of these are "guaranteed" to happen), and ultimately God is in control, so His will be done.
Next I went to get the scan. They had to fit me for my mask, shown below, and that was really the weirdest part. It's hard to explain, but I'm going to try. The mask starts out warm and wet and they stretch it over my face and then snap it down to the table. The consistency is like "rubber" taffy. It stretches easily, and then as it cools it stiffens. I'm still not quite sure what exactly it's for, but I'll find out Tuesday when I go for my practice run. I have my first actual radiation treatment on Wednesday.
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| CT Scan Machine |
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| Face Mask |
Sunday, April 28, 2013
'Til Death do Us Part
So, first I have to start by saying "Hey!" because it's been a really long time since I last posted. I try not to make excuses, but life has been crazy lately! Tax season is finally over, so Woo Hoo for that! I also finished my last chemo treatment on April 4th!! Yay!! I had a CT scan last Thursday, and I'll see Dr. Reddy this Thursday to find out when I start radiation, so God willing the end is in sight. That's probably a bad choice of words when you're talking about cancer, but I mean it in a good way, LOL!
Anyways, this week God has placed a huge burden on my heart, and even though it has nothing to do with dealing with cancer I wanted to share it with you all.
Marriage is not easy. If somebody tells you it's easy - they're lying! Now don't take me the wrong way. I love Rey! More than I thought I could ever love a person! Actually, until I met Rey, I didn't want to get married, but all the love we had for each other in no way made it easier for us. Now I'm not going to air all of mine and Rey's dirty laundry, but I'll just say it's been a roller coaster over the last almost 8 years. I think there were a few times where we both were wondering if the "D" word was in our future, but there was one thing that we both agreed on from the beginning. We were eating dinner at Taco Bell in little ol' Ponca City, OK, and we made a pact that it was forever. 'Til death do us part, and we could work through anything. Every time those moments came along when the enemy brought the "D" word into our vocabulary God strategically softened our hearts for the moment. Well here we are almost 8 years later, and we're coexisting. I feel like he doesn't love me enough and he doesn't really talk, so I have no clue how he feels. Thank God for our great friends who gave us the gift of tickets to the Love & Respect conference at our church this past weekend! It changed my life. I know that may sound corny, but it's true! The Holy Spirit touched my heart and opened my eyes.
I honestly went into the conference thinking "I seriously hope he listens to what they have to say. Maybe God will work in his heart, and change his attitude towards me." I think I even said that out loud to a close friend of mine. I thought it was Rey who needed to change. I should've known that all the praying I had been doing for God to give me the answers to "fix" my marriage would not come in the way I expected. Let me say this again real quick. Rey and I don't have a horrible marriage. I don't want you to think that, but I don't want to just coexist. I want our marriage to be more than just roommates who have kids. I want to like him. All of the time!! I know that sounds funny, but I know there are a lot of you out there that can honestly say you love your spouse, but you really don't actually like them anymore. Anyways, during the conference it was like God slapped me in the face. So hard that by the end I was crying. I had no idea what I had been doing to Rey. I was convicted by the Holy Spirit, and I was ready to make a change.
I had no idea that by always focusing on what he wasn't doing I had lost sight of the man I fell in love with. Saturday morning God opened my eyes to all the wrong I had caused in our marriage because of my fear of him making the "wrong" decisions, and I was so self-righteous to think that my way was the only correct way. I'm not God and I'm nowhere near perfect, so why would I be the only one who was right?? My controlling nature had been a large part of the direction our marriage had taken. Basically, my attitude towards Rey had made him passive, and completely changed him into the exact opposite of who I married. He had given up. I fell in love with Rey because he's a protector. I know without a shadow of a doubt that as long as he is with us no one will hurt us. No one! He's a hard worker and loyal! He goes to work every day, even when he's sick. He's funny and always makes us laugh, he is so much smarter than he gives himself credit for, he's a great dad, and he's incredibly sexy! Because I was so focused on the negative, I had completely lost sight of him. It was hard to swallow that by dishonoring Rey, I had really been dishonoring God. That's tough. I felt like a huge failure. But, failures give us a chance to make changes, and so Saturday was the day.
I want to be the wife that he can't wait to get home to. I want to be his best friend. I want to show Bella an example of what a godly wife looks like, and what a marriage should look like. I want to be an example of what type of wife Timmy will look for one day. But, most of all I want to glorify God in all that I do, and that means giving Rey unconditional respect! The Love & Respect conference could not have come at a better time! My only regret is that I wish I would've experienced this at the beginning of our marriage! I never would've expected for God's answer to my prayers to be for me to look in the mirror. I highly recommend getting the book Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs! It could change your life too!!
Anyways, this week God has placed a huge burden on my heart, and even though it has nothing to do with dealing with cancer I wanted to share it with you all.
Marriage is not easy. If somebody tells you it's easy - they're lying! Now don't take me the wrong way. I love Rey! More than I thought I could ever love a person! Actually, until I met Rey, I didn't want to get married, but all the love we had for each other in no way made it easier for us. Now I'm not going to air all of mine and Rey's dirty laundry, but I'll just say it's been a roller coaster over the last almost 8 years. I think there were a few times where we both were wondering if the "D" word was in our future, but there was one thing that we both agreed on from the beginning. We were eating dinner at Taco Bell in little ol' Ponca City, OK, and we made a pact that it was forever. 'Til death do us part, and we could work through anything. Every time those moments came along when the enemy brought the "D" word into our vocabulary God strategically softened our hearts for the moment. Well here we are almost 8 years later, and we're coexisting. I feel like he doesn't love me enough and he doesn't really talk, so I have no clue how he feels. Thank God for our great friends who gave us the gift of tickets to the Love & Respect conference at our church this past weekend! It changed my life. I know that may sound corny, but it's true! The Holy Spirit touched my heart and opened my eyes.
I honestly went into the conference thinking "I seriously hope he listens to what they have to say. Maybe God will work in his heart, and change his attitude towards me." I think I even said that out loud to a close friend of mine. I thought it was Rey who needed to change. I should've known that all the praying I had been doing for God to give me the answers to "fix" my marriage would not come in the way I expected. Let me say this again real quick. Rey and I don't have a horrible marriage. I don't want you to think that, but I don't want to just coexist. I want our marriage to be more than just roommates who have kids. I want to like him. All of the time!! I know that sounds funny, but I know there are a lot of you out there that can honestly say you love your spouse, but you really don't actually like them anymore. Anyways, during the conference it was like God slapped me in the face. So hard that by the end I was crying. I had no idea what I had been doing to Rey. I was convicted by the Holy Spirit, and I was ready to make a change.
I had no idea that by always focusing on what he wasn't doing I had lost sight of the man I fell in love with. Saturday morning God opened my eyes to all the wrong I had caused in our marriage because of my fear of him making the "wrong" decisions, and I was so self-righteous to think that my way was the only correct way. I'm not God and I'm nowhere near perfect, so why would I be the only one who was right?? My controlling nature had been a large part of the direction our marriage had taken. Basically, my attitude towards Rey had made him passive, and completely changed him into the exact opposite of who I married. He had given up. I fell in love with Rey because he's a protector. I know without a shadow of a doubt that as long as he is with us no one will hurt us. No one! He's a hard worker and loyal! He goes to work every day, even when he's sick. He's funny and always makes us laugh, he is so much smarter than he gives himself credit for, he's a great dad, and he's incredibly sexy! Because I was so focused on the negative, I had completely lost sight of him. It was hard to swallow that by dishonoring Rey, I had really been dishonoring God. That's tough. I felt like a huge failure. But, failures give us a chance to make changes, and so Saturday was the day.
I want to be the wife that he can't wait to get home to. I want to be his best friend. I want to show Bella an example of what a godly wife looks like, and what a marriage should look like. I want to be an example of what type of wife Timmy will look for one day. But, most of all I want to glorify God in all that I do, and that means giving Rey unconditional respect! The Love & Respect conference could not have come at a better time! My only regret is that I wish I would've experienced this at the beginning of our marriage! I never would've expected for God's answer to my prayers to be for me to look in the mirror. I highly recommend getting the book Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs! It could change your life too!!
Monday, March 25, 2013
With Growing Pride I Wear My Scars
Wow! So much has happened in the last few weeks that it seems my brain is doing flips inside my skull. I do have to thank Jesus that I made it through today...just kidding! I keep trying to remind myself that it's always just another opportunity to practice patience, but I was home with 2 sick, whiny kids, and I didn't feel so great myself. I really shouldn't complain though because at least I got to spend some extra time with them, and for that I'm grateful.
This weekend was rough on my self-esteem. I'll be the first to admit this is one area in my life that I really, really struggle with. It makes Rey angry when he tells me I'm beautiful, and I don't believe him. It's hard. I've heard it so many times, "You'd be so pretty if you were skinny." At one point in my life I was a "healthy" weight. The problem was I got there in a very unhealthy way, and needless to say a year later when I got pregnant with Bella it all came back on, plus some. I have a few things I have to check off my list first before I can attack this head-on...like kicking cancer's butt and becoming a CPA. One day in the near future I will cross the finish line with my step-dad when I run my first marathon. That is my goal, but like I said I have a couple things I have to get out of the way first.
Anyways, back to this weekend. I'm not a girly girl. I don't feel the need to wear full make-up, I'm most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans, and when I did have hair I wore it up in a ponytail, a lot. That's not to say I don't like to dress up because I do, but I'm not one of those that can't leave the house unless I'm all done up. On the other hand, I feel like I'm still feminine. I have a curvy shape and "girly" features. But, the way people look at me now makes me feel like I'm a freak. I had a lady run out of the bathroom while I was in there with my daughter. I honestly don't know if she thought I was a man, or what. Anywhere I go people stare at me. I had someone say 'excuse me sir' the other day when I was getting on the elevator. I had on a pink shirt, earrings, make-up, and a purse, but whatever. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm so young, that the possibility of cancer never crosses their minds. I've even joked about would it be easier if I wore leather and spikes. Would that make me look more normal?? I know that I seriously want to get a huge sign that says 'I have cancer. Please don't stare. It hurts my feelings.' Rey tells me all the time that it doesn't matter what people think, but it hurts. I can't help it that I'm an emotional person. That's how God made me.
I still smile at them, and I'm always polite because I know that I can't let the devil win, and break me down. I know that God made me strong, and He will bring me through. It gives me a teaching opportunity with my children, to show them how a person's words and actions can affect others. That God loves everyone, and wants us to love everyone no matter what they look like. I guess as long as I'm learning from my insecurities, I'm rising above them, or so I'd like to think. I just have to look at this as one more way God is molding me into a better person. The person He wants me to be.
This weekend was rough on my self-esteem. I'll be the first to admit this is one area in my life that I really, really struggle with. It makes Rey angry when he tells me I'm beautiful, and I don't believe him. It's hard. I've heard it so many times, "You'd be so pretty if you were skinny." At one point in my life I was a "healthy" weight. The problem was I got there in a very unhealthy way, and needless to say a year later when I got pregnant with Bella it all came back on, plus some. I have a few things I have to check off my list first before I can attack this head-on...like kicking cancer's butt and becoming a CPA. One day in the near future I will cross the finish line with my step-dad when I run my first marathon. That is my goal, but like I said I have a couple things I have to get out of the way first.
Anyways, back to this weekend. I'm not a girly girl. I don't feel the need to wear full make-up, I'm most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans, and when I did have hair I wore it up in a ponytail, a lot. That's not to say I don't like to dress up because I do, but I'm not one of those that can't leave the house unless I'm all done up. On the other hand, I feel like I'm still feminine. I have a curvy shape and "girly" features. But, the way people look at me now makes me feel like I'm a freak. I had a lady run out of the bathroom while I was in there with my daughter. I honestly don't know if she thought I was a man, or what. Anywhere I go people stare at me. I had someone say 'excuse me sir' the other day when I was getting on the elevator. I had on a pink shirt, earrings, make-up, and a purse, but whatever. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm so young, that the possibility of cancer never crosses their minds. I've even joked about would it be easier if I wore leather and spikes. Would that make me look more normal?? I know that I seriously want to get a huge sign that says 'I have cancer. Please don't stare. It hurts my feelings.' Rey tells me all the time that it doesn't matter what people think, but it hurts. I can't help it that I'm an emotional person. That's how God made me.
I still smile at them, and I'm always polite because I know that I can't let the devil win, and break me down. I know that God made me strong, and He will bring me through. It gives me a teaching opportunity with my children, to show them how a person's words and actions can affect others. That God loves everyone, and wants us to love everyone no matter what they look like. I guess as long as I'm learning from my insecurities, I'm rising above them, or so I'd like to think. I just have to look at this as one more way God is molding me into a better person. The person He wants me to be.
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