I Kneel Humbly at Your Feet

Well last Thursday was officially my last treatment! Chemo. Check. Radiation. Check. In 60-90 days I will get another scan to determine if it is all gone. It will be nice to start feeling good again, and for my life to go back to normal. They said it would take a few months for that, but all in due time. Besides, I won't have to spend hours at the doctor's office - waiting...being poked...and all the other "fun" things that come along with cancer treatment. It's almost over!

I want to start off by explaining why I don't post very often. The main reason is because I want to write posts that are meaningful. That are really going to glorify Him, and spread His word. That is the entire reason I wanted to start this blog. Here lately it's been because I have been disconnected. I feel as if I have been so busy lately that I have let all the treatments, end-of-the-year school activities, studying, work, etc. take center stage. And, unfortunately my relationship with God has been pushed to the back burner. Until yesterday it had been weeks since I read my Bible, and although I pray on a daily basis, I hadn't been actively seeking Him. He spoke to me this week, though. Every time I turned around I was faced with the same topic. He put all the puzzle pieces together for me, and showed me what I need to be working on. Humility.

Humility, according to dictionary.com is the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc. By this definition, and the world's standard, I feel like I do a decent job. I always try to think of others first, and I'm definitely not cocky. But, according to God's standard, I always fall short. All too often I lose sight of the main purpose of my existence - to have a relationship with Him, and bring others to know Him. If I want to serve my ultimate purpose that means I need humility - I need to take the me out of me, and stay focused on Him.

I need to guard my heart from the enemy because he knows exactly where my weaknesses are. For instance, my blog. I want to share my testimony in hopes that it will help others to come to know, and accept Christ. I can't let the devil play on my need for validation. The fact that I want others to like me. Because lets face it, everyone has that internal desire to be loved by others. The need for "popularity". Everyone has their own way of seeking it. So, ultimately if I'm not steadfast in my purpose, I can allow him to turn sharing my faith into a form of "self-worship". That is why I have tried hard to not just throw up any ol' post. It doesn't matter how many followers I have, how many page views I get, or how many likes I get on Facebook. All that matters is that He is glorified in everything I do, and that it is truly for that one and only purpose.

I started reading Proverbs last night, and I actually wrote this on a notecard to keep with me. I want to be reminded constantly of what I need to do, and to protect myself from the enemy because his main purpose is to destroy me.

"Such are the paths of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the life of those who get it." Proverbs 1:19

I literally just now switched over to FB, and this was on my news feed (Proverbs 31 Ministries). Couldn't have said it better!

The Lady Behind the Plastic Mask - Part 2

I had my first actual radiation treatment today, and I have to say I didn't feel any different after than I did before, which is good. These first few initial appointments will be longer, the nurse said, because they spend time making sure I'm lined up correctly, and so on. That's one of the things I forgot to mention in the last post...they put little dot tattoos on you! I have one on each side, and then one on my stomach...and they're permanent. Not that that bothers me. I LOVE tattoos!! I think I might make them into something pretty after I'm all done! :) Anyways, they use them to line me up on the table. They had to take extra films today for the doc because I have a supraclavicular tumor (hope I said that right), so depending on the position of my arms it can show up higher or lower. That can be a pain for them! The nurse told me to be prepared tomorrow because she was going to mark on me. I already have a few blue sharpie marks covered with clear stickers. I'm starting to look somewhat like a pin cushion...just kidding!

The longer I'm on the table with the mask over my face the worse my "scales" get. It doesn't actually hurt, it's just kind of uncomfortable.

It would make me look sorta crazy if I were to go out for lunch right after....it goes away fairly quickly though.

The machine they use was nothing like what I expected. I had this mental picture in my head, and then when I walked in the room I was like "WHOA!" The bed is literally a board with a little neck holder, which is what the mask actually gets snapped to. Then the bed gets raised up pretty high, and the machine then moves around you to where they're going to "shoot" you. The whole experience is pretty weird, but at least it doesn't last too long!

The Lady Behind the Plastic Mask

Last Friday I had my 3rd CT scan and met with Dr. Lee (my radiation oncologist). This scan was a little different, and I was completely unprepared for what was going to happen (BIG mistake wearing a dress)! The hospital gown went well with my heels though, LOL!!

After the nurse asked me basic medical questions Dr. Lee came in and we went over all the POSSIBLE side effects of the radiation treatments...there are so many it was easier to just post the picture. 

Some of them are kinda scary. Like the fact that I'm so young it puts me at a higher risk for thyroid issues, heart problems, and breast cancer later in life. I just hold to the fact that everyone's experience with treatments are different (so none of these are "guaranteed" to happen), and ultimately God is in control, so His will be done.

Next I went to get the scan. They had to fit me for my mask, shown below, and that was really the weirdest part. It's hard to explain, but I'm going to try. The mask starts out warm and wet and they stretch it over my face and then snap it down to the table. The consistency is like "rubber" taffy. It stretches easily, and then as it cools it stiffens. I'm still not quite sure what exactly it's for, but I'll find out Tuesday when I go for my practice run. I have my first actual radiation treatment on Wednesday. 

CT Scan Machine

Face Mask

'Til Death do Us Part

So, first I have to start by saying "Hey!" because it's been a really long time since I last posted. I try not to make excuses, but life has been crazy lately! Tax season is finally over, so Woo Hoo for that! I also finished my last chemo treatment on April 4th!! Yay!! I had a CT scan last Thursday, and I'll see Dr. Reddy this Thursday to find out when I start radiation, so God willing the end is in sight. That's probably a bad choice of words when you're talking about cancer, but I mean it in a good way, LOL!

Anyways, this week God has placed a huge burden on my heart, and even though it has nothing to do with dealing with cancer I wanted to share it with you all.

Marriage is not easy. If somebody tells you it's easy - they're lying! Now don't take me the wrong way. I love Rey! More than I thought I could ever love a person! Actually, until I met Rey, I didn't want to get married, but all the love we had for each other in no way made it easier for us. Now I'm not going to air all of mine and Rey's dirty laundry, but I'll just say it's been a roller coaster over the last almost 8 years. I think there were a few times where we both were wondering if the "D" word was in our future, but there was one thing that we both agreed on from the beginning. We were eating dinner at Taco Bell in little ol' Ponca City, OK, and we made a pact that it was forever. 'Til death do us part, and we could work through anything. Every time those moments came along when the enemy brought the "D" word into our vocabulary God strategically softened our hearts for the moment. Well here we are almost 8 years later, and we're coexisting. I feel like he doesn't love me enough and he doesn't really talk, so I have no clue how he feels. Thank God for our great friends who gave us the gift of tickets to the Love & Respect conference at our church this past weekend! It changed my life. I know that may sound corny, but it's true! The Holy Spirit touched my heart and opened my eyes.

I honestly went into the conference thinking "I seriously hope he listens to what they have to say. Maybe God will work in his heart, and change his attitude towards me." I think I even said that out loud to a close friend of mine. I thought it was Rey who needed to change. I should've known that all the praying I had been doing for God to give me the answers to "fix" my marriage would not come in the way I expected. Let me say this again real quick. Rey and I don't have a horrible marriage. I don't want you to think that, but I don't want to just coexist. I want our marriage to be more than just roommates who have kids. I want to like him. All of the time!! I know that sounds funny, but I know there are a lot of you out there that can honestly say you love your spouse, but you really don't actually like them anymore. Anyways, during the conference it was like God slapped me in the face. So hard that by the end I was crying. I had no idea what I had been doing to Rey. I was convicted by the Holy Spirit, and I was ready to make a change.

I had no idea that by always focusing on what he wasn't doing I had lost sight of the man I fell in love with. Saturday morning God opened my eyes to all the wrong I had caused in our marriage because of my fear of him making the "wrong" decisions, and I was so self-righteous to think that my way was the only correct way. I'm not God and I'm nowhere near perfect, so why would I be the only one who was right?? My controlling nature had been a large part of the direction our marriage had taken. Basically, my attitude towards Rey had made him passive, and completely changed him into the exact opposite of who I married. He had given up. I fell in love with Rey because he's a protector. I know without a shadow of a doubt that as long as he is with us no one will hurt us. No one! He's a hard worker and loyal! He goes to work every day, even when he's sick. He's funny and always makes us laugh, he is so much smarter than he gives himself credit for, he's a great dad, and he's incredibly sexy! Because I was so focused on the negative, I had completely lost sight of him. It was hard to swallow that by dishonoring Rey, I had really been dishonoring God. That's tough. I felt like a huge failure. But, failures give us a chance to make changes, and so Saturday was the day.

I want to be the wife that he can't wait to get home to. I want to be his best friend. I want to show Bella an example of what a godly wife looks like, and what a marriage should look like. I want to be an example of what type of wife Timmy will look for one day. But, most of all I want to glorify God in all that I do, and that means giving Rey unconditional respect! The Love & Respect conference could not have come at a better time! My only regret is that I wish I would've experienced this at the beginning of our marriage! I never would've expected for God's answer to my prayers to be for me to look in the mirror. I highly recommend getting the book Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs! It could change your life too!!

With Growing Pride I Wear My Scars

Wow! So much has happened in the last few weeks that it seems my brain is doing flips inside my skull. I do have to thank Jesus that I made it through today...just kidding! I keep trying to remind myself that it's always just another opportunity to practice patience, but I was home with 2 sick, whiny kids, and I didn't feel so great myself. I really shouldn't complain though because at least I got to spend some extra time with them, and for that I'm grateful.

This weekend was rough on my self-esteem. I'll be the first to admit this is one area in my life that I really, really struggle with. It makes Rey angry when he tells me I'm beautiful, and I don't believe him. It's hard. I've heard it so many times, "You'd be so pretty if you were skinny." At one point in my life I was a "healthy" weight. The problem was I got there in a very unhealthy way, and needless to say a year later when I got pregnant with Bella it all came back on, plus some. I have a few things I have to check off my list first before I can attack this head-on...like kicking cancer's butt and becoming a CPA. One day in the near future I will cross the finish line with my step-dad when I run my first marathon. That is my goal, but like I said I have a couple things I have to get out of the way first.

Anyways, back to this weekend. I'm not a girly girl. I don't feel the need to wear full make-up, I'm most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans, and when I did have hair I wore it up in a ponytail, a lot. That's not to say I don't like to dress up because I do, but I'm not one of those that can't leave the house unless I'm all done up. On the other hand, I feel like I'm still feminine. I have a curvy shape and "girly" features. But, the way people look at me now makes me feel like I'm a freak. I had a lady run out of the bathroom while I was in there with my daughter. I honestly don't know if she thought I was a man, or what. Anywhere I go people stare at me. I had someone say 'excuse me sir' the other day when I was getting on the elevator. I had on a pink shirt, earrings, make-up, and a purse, but whatever.  I don't know if it's the fact that I'm so young, that the possibility of cancer never crosses their minds. I've even joked about would it be easier if I wore leather and spikes. Would that make me look more normal?? I know that I seriously want to get a huge sign that says 'I have cancer. Please don't stare. It hurts my feelings.' Rey tells me all the time that it doesn't matter what people think, but it hurts. I can't help it that I'm an emotional person. That's how God made me.

I still smile at them, and I'm always polite because I know that I can't let the devil win, and break me down. I know that God made me strong, and He will bring me through. It gives me a teaching opportunity with my children, to show them how a person's words and actions can affect others. That God loves everyone, and wants us to love everyone no matter what they look like. I guess as long as I'm learning from my insecurities, I'm rising above them, or so I'd like to think. I just have to look at this as one more way God is molding me into a better person. The person He wants me to be.

Long Time No "See"

Wow! It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but it's been almost a month since the last time I posted. Time sure does fly!! Life definitely has a way of sneaking up on you. There have been so many things run through my head over the last few weeks that I wanted to share with y'all that I don't even know where to start. Maybe I'll just tell you about my past few weeks....

3 weeks ago was my 5th treatment, and let me say that was my roughest one yet! I ended up missing 2 days of work (I made them up later in the week when I felt better), but it took a lot out of me! Last Thursday I had my 6th treatment, and praise God somehow it was not as bad as the last! Maybe it was because I slept more, maybe because I ate better, or who knows, but for whatever reason it wasn't as bad. It wasn't good. But, it wasn't horrible either. It never ceases to amaze me how each one can be somewhat different. Or, what's even weirder, how the symptoms can come in waves. For example, this Monday I felt ok, and then Tuesday I was almost completely out of commission. My Zofran wasn't working. Zofran!! I only stayed at work for maybe an hour and a half before I gave up and headed home. The minute I got home I laid down in bed and woke up almost 5 1/2 hours later. Whoa! I guess I'm still not really good about "resting" until it gets to the point that my body just says "Ok. NO more." Although I'm not really sure rest can keep you from feeling like it would be better to just stay in the bathroom all day.

Cancer still hasn't killed that internal need to try and be superwoman. But, I have become more willing to accept help because honestly I need it. The last few weeks I feel like I've done good to keep my nose above water. And, that's ONLY because I have such a wonderful support system! I feel like if I'm not doing treatments (or recovering from them), then I'm working crazy hours making up what time I missed doing treatments, and if I'm not doing either of those 2 then I'm sleeping. I've never slept this much in my life. Well, maybe when I was a baby, LOL. But, I just remember that eventually it will be over. God willing, sooner than later. Then our lives can get back to what we consider "normal".

That being said, I had my CT scan on Wednesday. Dr. Reddy told me that if everything looked good then my last treatment might be my last. Whaaat!?!?!? Talk about nervous anticipation. The entire day my stomach was in knots...could it really be almost over? It's hard to believe I've already done 6 treatments. Sometimes I wish mine could've been spread every 3 weeks, like almost every other person I know or have read about, but that was not the case. But, it does mean they're over faster. If they're working. So, I just pray for God's will. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. His plan is ALWAYS better, and even though I might not understand it that's ok. I don't need to.

Blessings in Disguise

Well I made it through the second week of tax season. It was definitely easier than the first! The first week I had a treatment, and I felt awful all day at work Saturday...all 11 hours. But, I made it through, and that's all that matters. I've decided that it's best to frontload all my hours (have all my extra OT done by Friday) on the weeks I do treatment. That way if I feel bad on the weekend (which I know I will) I don't have to go in. It does mean really long days during the week, but those are when I do feel good, so I think my plan will work. This has been a big adjustment learning how to fit everything in. My job is more than full-time, I have a second job, still trying to study to get my license, and let's not forget my family! I need time with them! :) I have to admit it has made me more organized with my time, or maybe I should say disciplined. And, let's be honest, my house stays a mess. But a perfect house is not on my list of priorities right now!!

So despite all the scheduling chaos, I really have been trying to be good about reading my Bible, even if it is only 2 or 3 chapters at a time. I'm getting close to finishing the book of Job, and it never ceases to amaze me how much I gleam from each reading. I've started taking notes while I read to remember certain scriptures, or ideas that pop in my head. It's pretty neat. I pray every day for God to tell me what to write my blog posts about, and between reading, listening to KLove, conversations with my friends, and prayer it's like God took an idea and put all the puzzle pieces together for me this week. It was something I used to struggle with a lot, and until I became a true believer, I didn't understand. How bad things happen to good people.

That is what the entire book of Job is about. To make a long story short he is a man of high character that truly loves God, and everything is taken from him - wealth, family, and health, but he refuses to turn from God. His friends that come to help comfort him only end up giving him horrible, and irrelevant, advice and judge him. They told him he had sinned (even though he hadn't) and that's why God had punished him...great friends, huh. But, it made the wheels in my brain start turning...

Before my real, tangible experience with the Holy Spirit I was a nonbeliever. Then for about 8 years I was what I like to call a part-time Christian. You know, one of those that tries to go to church on a regular basis, but really only uses it for their own convenience...like I was still a good person if I went to church Sunday morning even though I made no true commitment to God.  It wasn't until this past year that I became a true believer, and started to focus on making my life one that people would see, and never doubt my love for Jesus. Cancer is what truly gave me the desire to be a disciple for Christ. I've said it before that I'm not really 100% sure if my blog is the way I am meant to disciple, but I feel for my life at the moment it is. I'm still learning myself, but I feel this burning desire to spread the love of Jesus because I know that if someone could experience even a fraction of what I have been blessed to know it would change their life. Drastically!

During my period of being a nonbeliever/ part-timer I would wonder what kind of God would let children be taken from their parents, car accidents, heart attacks, drug addiction, and death happen in our world. God was the one to blame for not stopping all the horrible craziness in our world...I mean isn't he supposed to love us?? Nothing bad should ever happen if we are "Christians", right? I was looking at it all wrong. People if there is a second thing I can't stress enough (the first would be that God's love is the only thing that will ever quench the longing in your heart) it is that the devil is real. He is the one that wants to brainwash us into blaming God. He wants to destroy our lives. By whatever means necessary!

What finally clicked for me (after dedicating my life to God) was that suffering can actually be a blessing in disguise. Yea I just stole Laura Story's song lyrics....they're just so good! :) You see, suffering helps feed our duty to help others. I'd bet that every non-profit or awareness campaign was started because a person had to deal with some type of misfortune, and felt the need to help others that were going through the same thing.  It also helps us see the true blessings around us! For example, yes I have cancer, but for today I got to kiss my kids goodnight, and tuck them in bed. Some parents don't get to do that tonight. Or, yes I might disagree with Rey over something, but I still get to hold his hand while we watch tv. There's a woman out there that doesn't get to do that tonight. It makes you look at one day at a time. To not take for granted that, on earth, we don't have forever. The fact that no matter what we face we aren't alone. That He is with us always! Yes he may not always intervene to "save" us, but sometimes there is something greater that is supposed to come of it. Cancer has taught me this.

A friend recently bought me the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. February 16th's devotion could not have said it better.
             "Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me. My strength and power show themselves most effective in weakness."