Blessings in Disguise

Well I made it through the second week of tax season. It was definitely easier than the first! The first week I had a treatment, and I felt awful all day at work Saturday...all 11 hours. But, I made it through, and that's all that matters. I've decided that it's best to frontload all my hours (have all my extra OT done by Friday) on the weeks I do treatment. That way if I feel bad on the weekend (which I know I will) I don't have to go in. It does mean really long days during the week, but those are when I do feel good, so I think my plan will work. This has been a big adjustment learning how to fit everything in. My job is more than full-time, I have a second job, still trying to study to get my license, and let's not forget my family! I need time with them! :) I have to admit it has made me more organized with my time, or maybe I should say disciplined. And, let's be honest, my house stays a mess. But a perfect house is not on my list of priorities right now!!

So despite all the scheduling chaos, I really have been trying to be good about reading my Bible, even if it is only 2 or 3 chapters at a time. I'm getting close to finishing the book of Job, and it never ceases to amaze me how much I gleam from each reading. I've started taking notes while I read to remember certain scriptures, or ideas that pop in my head. It's pretty neat. I pray every day for God to tell me what to write my blog posts about, and between reading, listening to KLove, conversations with my friends, and prayer it's like God took an idea and put all the puzzle pieces together for me this week. It was something I used to struggle with a lot, and until I became a true believer, I didn't understand. How bad things happen to good people.

That is what the entire book of Job is about. To make a long story short he is a man of high character that truly loves God, and everything is taken from him - wealth, family, and health, but he refuses to turn from God. His friends that come to help comfort him only end up giving him horrible, and irrelevant, advice and judge him. They told him he had sinned (even though he hadn't) and that's why God had punished him...great friends, huh. But, it made the wheels in my brain start turning...

Before my real, tangible experience with the Holy Spirit I was a nonbeliever. Then for about 8 years I was what I like to call a part-time Christian. You know, one of those that tries to go to church on a regular basis, but really only uses it for their own convenience...like I was still a good person if I went to church Sunday morning even though I made no true commitment to God.  It wasn't until this past year that I became a true believer, and started to focus on making my life one that people would see, and never doubt my love for Jesus. Cancer is what truly gave me the desire to be a disciple for Christ. I've said it before that I'm not really 100% sure if my blog is the way I am meant to disciple, but I feel for my life at the moment it is. I'm still learning myself, but I feel this burning desire to spread the love of Jesus because I know that if someone could experience even a fraction of what I have been blessed to know it would change their life. Drastically!

During my period of being a nonbeliever/ part-timer I would wonder what kind of God would let children be taken from their parents, car accidents, heart attacks, drug addiction, and death happen in our world. God was the one to blame for not stopping all the horrible craziness in our world...I mean isn't he supposed to love us?? Nothing bad should ever happen if we are "Christians", right? I was looking at it all wrong. People if there is a second thing I can't stress enough (the first would be that God's love is the only thing that will ever quench the longing in your heart) it is that the devil is real. He is the one that wants to brainwash us into blaming God. He wants to destroy our lives. By whatever means necessary!

What finally clicked for me (after dedicating my life to God) was that suffering can actually be a blessing in disguise. Yea I just stole Laura Story's song lyrics....they're just so good! :) You see, suffering helps feed our duty to help others. I'd bet that every non-profit or awareness campaign was started because a person had to deal with some type of misfortune, and felt the need to help others that were going through the same thing.  It also helps us see the true blessings around us! For example, yes I have cancer, but for today I got to kiss my kids goodnight, and tuck them in bed. Some parents don't get to do that tonight. Or, yes I might disagree with Rey over something, but I still get to hold his hand while we watch tv. There's a woman out there that doesn't get to do that tonight. It makes you look at one day at a time. To not take for granted that, on earth, we don't have forever. The fact that no matter what we face we aren't alone. That He is with us always! Yes he may not always intervene to "save" us, but sometimes there is something greater that is supposed to come of it. Cancer has taught me this.

A friend recently bought me the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. February 16th's devotion could not have said it better.
             "Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me. My strength and power show themselves most effective in weakness."

                                                             

Gifts From God

Let me start by saying that it bothered me A LOT when people would try to help me. Rey says I'm too proud. I try to never ask for help, and when I do it's only out of complete necessity. I've always looked at it as a sign of weakness. That I wasn't good enough if I couldn't do it myself. So, that being said, it's been hard adjusting to the overwhelming, outpouring of support from all of my friends, family, and even strangers! It's something that I've been struggling with. Really struggling!! I say that not because I'm ungrateful, but because I've always felt like there was someone else out there who needed it more, or deserved it more. Why should I deserve somebody's time, or money?? But, here's what God has shown me.

Let's start with Sunday. All of the Life Groups started a new short series called "The Genius of Generosity" by Chip Ingram. Generosity is not just about money, or how much, but also the small things we go out of our way to do to help others. I can't donate thousands of dollars, but I can give you my time. It made the wheels in my head start turning. It made me think of all the things people have done for me over the last few months. Then in service Wade Morris was the guest speaker, and he was awesome! One of the things I took most from it was the fact that I need to be in the Bible every day! Which made me remember a thing I saw on Pinterest that said "If you are too busy to be in the Word every day, then you're busier than God ever intended you to be." Talk about feeling convicted!

My good friends at work, Shannon and Angela, and I decided we were going to read it in chronological order. Shannon had printed off a schedule she found online, and we had started it January 1st. The schedule breaks it down so you can read it in a year. Well needless to say I was behind on my schedule (I'm still trying to catch up), but I was starting Job that night. Let's just say - great timing!

Job is the greatest example of keeping your faith in spite of tragedy and pain. The book of Job also reminds you how real Satan is. (As if turning on the news every day isn't enough to see he's running rampant in our society. Trying to break our world apart.) It made me think of all the things, just in the last 2 years, Rey and I have had to endure. In 2011, 2 months after we bought our house, Rey lost his job. He got another job about a month later, but then was laid off again 2 weeks before Christmas. Then one of our cars broke down, and we went 3 months with only one vehicle. Both of our kids were very sick last year. Timmy had tubes put in twice, Bella had to have a colonoscopy, and we had the flu, strep, and pretty much all the other nasty bugs go through our house. Then the Cancer Bomb gets dropped. The devil just keeps piling it on, throwing it in my face, but I will never cave. He will never break my spirit, and he will never make me doubt God's faithfulness. EVER! 

So, here is how God "explained" generosity to me. I say explained for lack of better words. It was like the light bulb effect. The ah-ha moment. Satan is the one telling me I'm not worthy. That I don't deserve people's help. That I shouldn't accept anything from others. Because he's trying to get in the way of God working through those people. Like because I haven't caved from anything else he's thrown at me, he's going to try and take away from what God has placed on others hearts to bless me. As my study Bible puts it, "Satan's ploy is to get us to doubt God's love and faithfulness towards us."

I had a friend come to my house the night of my biopsy. She said she was going to give me a gift. I started crying, we both started crying, and I told her I couldn't accept what she was offering. She told me it wasn't an option. She had been praying about it for weeks, and God had put it on her heart to give me this gift. If I said no I was standing in the way of God's blessings. I couldn't do that!

I love how God connects everything in my life to teach me, and "explain" things to me. From here on out I will remember these special gifts, meals, etc. as what they are. Blessing from Him. I will never expect anything. But, if it is meant for me I will accept it humbly, and gratefully, because there will come a day when I will be able to pay it forward!