So, it's been a long time since I've written. There are so many excuses I could probably write an entire post rationalizing why I haven't made the time. But I know why. I haven't been on my knees praying...immersed in the word...constantly seeking His face. I've drifted, temporarily lost His voice. You see, that's what happens. I got better. I forgot. My focus adjusted and I became far sighted. My time frame no longer consisted of making it through each day. It became next week...next month...our 5 year plan. I allowed myself to get irritated with my kids over small stuff, to not hold my tongue with the ones I love most. Because for the time being, there's no daily appointments, no blood work, no more pain. The everyday nonsense of life has slowly pulled me away, little by little. I've become lukewarm, mindlessly going through the motions of obedience. I have forgotten to cherish every second.
A few weeks ago at the end of the sermon our pastor asked us if there was ever a time where we felt closer to the Lord. I started crying. It broke my heart that I had allowed myself to wander. Thanksgiving drove it home even harder. This was the first "real" holiday since I've finished treatments. Yes, I know the other holidays are real. :) By "real" I just mean Thanksgiving is a holiday that revolves around family. I could honestly care less if there's a big, stuffed turkey on the table (I'm sure my vegan brother would appreciate that). I actually tried to talk my mom into getting frozen pizzas so we could just hang out and watch football. Needless to say, I lost that argument. But, it really does stand for family, togetherness, friendship, fellowship, thankfulness. It makes you reflect on everything your thankful for. While perusing Pinterest that day, it hit me - this day could have been very different. I know it's morbid to think about, but sometimes you need those wake up calls. To remember - EVERY day is borrowed. I know I do!!
I'm pretty sure people think I'm ridiculous when I say this, but sometimes it's the hard stuff in life that makes you realize how truly great life is. Now I look back, and realize everything I've been through prepared me for the next. If I wouldn't have pushed through the hard stuff as a young adult I wouldn't have been prepared to face cancer. I also wouldn't be as grateful. But, hindsight is always 20-20....
I'm a visual person - so if I see it (mental pictures) I can do it, so this is one of the metaphors I use. In front of me is Jesus, behind me is the enemy. The harder I run towards Him, the harder the enemy tries to pull me back. With each jerk, the enemy rips off a layer of the old me. In my desperate pursuit of Christ I am made newer, fresher, lighter, giving me the ability to run faster toward Him. The Word = my Gatorade, prayer & quiet time = my carbs. The enemy thinks he's breaking me down, but in truth each time I overcome his grip, I become stronger, so that the next time he tries to get a hold on me, I can more easily escape his grasp. I am armed to turn and fight. I will never sit. I will never give up. I will never let the devil defeat me. I may stumble, but I will forever keep running - sprinting. I have been derailed lately, but I am going to get back on track - full force and ready to go! I am making imperfect progress (love that description from Lysa TerKeurst)!!
I am a child of God. I want to live boldly for Jesus. Be a blazing fire for Him, in a world full of darkness.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
John 3:16
It's been a LONG time since I last posted, and actually a lot has happened! Most importantly, I found out a few weeks ago that my PET scan came back clear, so I am cancer free! Amazing news, and a total blessing!!!
This post really has nothing to do with my fight with cancer, but deals with my relationship with God - those situations you face on a daily basis.
Last week Bella was invited to go out of town with her best friend, and her family, on Saturday. Not a super, long trip, but about 2 hours away. Now I know that as your child grows it brings about all sorts of new "firsts", which in turn brings about all sorts of new emotions. Fears. She's been out of town with my parents before, she even went as far as South Dakota with them, but this was the first out-of-town trip that wasn't with family. I let her go, but immediately after I said yes, I felt like I was going to throw up.
I kept fretting, going over the what-ifs, literally freaking myself out - what if something happened, what if I couldn't get there in time, what if that would be the last time I kissed her cheek and told her 'I love you', what if?? I was a nervous wreck almost the whole week! This was one of those times I seriously needed to be grounded. To be kept from drifting off into Paranoidville! Thanks to my friend Shannon, she told me, "You've just got to put her in God's hands." So simple. So obvious. Then it hit me. Guilt. Guilt that my faith had been lacking. Guilt that I thought I had control.
Sunday after church, the kids and I went with my parents to Oklahoma City to visit my grandma. There was a point during the trip while I was driving, and everyone else had fallen asleep, so I started praying. I thanked God that He had returned my precious Bella to me safely, and that we would have a safe trip to OKC, and back. I also apologized for not seeking Him. That He wasn't the first one I went to, to calm my fears. That I was sorry. Sorry that I hadn't instinctively known His plan is always better. That everything has a greater purpose - whether, in our worldly view, it is good or bad. In that moment I was so completely, and utterly consumed with emotion that the tears immediately began flowing from my eyes.
You see, I love my children dearly. They are both miracles from Heaven, and I wonder daily what I've done to deserve so much goodness. Their hugs, their kisses, their innocent happiness. I would go to the ends of the earth for them. I would do chemo everyday for the rest of my life, if it meant a better life for them. I would give up my life to spare theirs. I would do anything for them! In my moment of weakness, vulnerability, confessing my heart, I knew. I understood. I sobbed. He gave me a microscopic look into what He had done. He spoke to my heart - that is how much you love your children, but THIS is how much I loved you. I cry now, as I write....overwhelming feelings....
John 3:16. The most important verse in the entire Bible. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one, and ONLY son, that whoever believes in Him, shall not parish, but have eternal life." He died for me. For everyone. Everyone past, present, and future. All of us. Those of us who on a daily basis forget Him, are ungrateful for His gifts, those of us who refuse to fully trust Him. Jesus took the burden of our sins - so that we have the gift of eternal life. It's intense! When I think about if I had to make that decision regarding my child, my heart aches. The thought literally makes my body hurt. For this very purpose I try harder, every single day, to follow His footsteps. Yes, I fail. But, I keep trying harder and harder, to further His kingdom, so that others may experience this incredible gift. The gift of ultimate love!
This post really has nothing to do with my fight with cancer, but deals with my relationship with God - those situations you face on a daily basis.
Last week Bella was invited to go out of town with her best friend, and her family, on Saturday. Not a super, long trip, but about 2 hours away. Now I know that as your child grows it brings about all sorts of new "firsts", which in turn brings about all sorts of new emotions. Fears. She's been out of town with my parents before, she even went as far as South Dakota with them, but this was the first out-of-town trip that wasn't with family. I let her go, but immediately after I said yes, I felt like I was going to throw up.
I kept fretting, going over the what-ifs, literally freaking myself out - what if something happened, what if I couldn't get there in time, what if that would be the last time I kissed her cheek and told her 'I love you', what if?? I was a nervous wreck almost the whole week! This was one of those times I seriously needed to be grounded. To be kept from drifting off into Paranoidville! Thanks to my friend Shannon, she told me, "You've just got to put her in God's hands." So simple. So obvious. Then it hit me. Guilt. Guilt that my faith had been lacking. Guilt that I thought I had control.
Sunday after church, the kids and I went with my parents to Oklahoma City to visit my grandma. There was a point during the trip while I was driving, and everyone else had fallen asleep, so I started praying. I thanked God that He had returned my precious Bella to me safely, and that we would have a safe trip to OKC, and back. I also apologized for not seeking Him. That He wasn't the first one I went to, to calm my fears. That I was sorry. Sorry that I hadn't instinctively known His plan is always better. That everything has a greater purpose - whether, in our worldly view, it is good or bad. In that moment I was so completely, and utterly consumed with emotion that the tears immediately began flowing from my eyes.
You see, I love my children dearly. They are both miracles from Heaven, and I wonder daily what I've done to deserve so much goodness. Their hugs, their kisses, their innocent happiness. I would go to the ends of the earth for them. I would do chemo everyday for the rest of my life, if it meant a better life for them. I would give up my life to spare theirs. I would do anything for them! In my moment of weakness, vulnerability, confessing my heart, I knew. I understood. I sobbed. He gave me a microscopic look into what He had done. He spoke to my heart - that is how much you love your children, but THIS is how much I loved you. I cry now, as I write....overwhelming feelings....
John 3:16. The most important verse in the entire Bible. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one, and ONLY son, that whoever believes in Him, shall not parish, but have eternal life." He died for me. For everyone. Everyone past, present, and future. All of us. Those of us who on a daily basis forget Him, are ungrateful for His gifts, those of us who refuse to fully trust Him. Jesus took the burden of our sins - so that we have the gift of eternal life. It's intense! When I think about if I had to make that decision regarding my child, my heart aches. The thought literally makes my body hurt. For this very purpose I try harder, every single day, to follow His footsteps. Yes, I fail. But, I keep trying harder and harder, to further His kingdom, so that others may experience this incredible gift. The gift of ultimate love!
Monday, June 17, 2013
I Kneel Humbly at Your Feet
Well last Thursday was officially my last treatment! Chemo. Check. Radiation. Check. In 60-90 days I will get another scan to determine if it is all gone. It will be nice to start feeling good again, and for my life to go back to normal. They said it would take a few months for that, but all in due time. Besides, I won't have to spend hours at the doctor's office - waiting...being poked...and all the other "fun" things that come along with cancer treatment. It's almost over!
I want to start off by explaining why I don't post very often. The main reason is because I want to write posts that are meaningful. That are really going to glorify Him, and spread His word. That is the entire reason I wanted to start this blog. Here lately it's been because I have been disconnected. I feel as if I have been so busy lately that I have let all the treatments, end-of-the-year school activities, studying, work, etc. take center stage. And, unfortunately my relationship with God has been pushed to the back burner. Until yesterday it had been weeks since I read my Bible, and although I pray on a daily basis, I hadn't been actively seeking Him. He spoke to me this week, though. Every time I turned around I was faced with the same topic. He put all the puzzle pieces together for me, and showed me what I need to be working on. Humility.
Humility, according to dictionary.com is the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc. By this definition, and the world's standard, I feel like I do a decent job. I always try to think of others first, and I'm definitely not cocky. But, according to God's standard, I always fall short. All too often I lose sight of the main purpose of my existence - to have a relationship with Him, and bring others to know Him. If I want to serve my ultimate purpose that means I need humility - I need to take the me out of me, and stay focused on Him.
I need to guard my heart from the enemy because he knows exactly where my weaknesses are. For instance, my blog. I want to share my testimony in hopes that it will help others to come to know, and accept Christ. I can't let the devil play on my need for validation. The fact that I want others to like me. Because lets face it, everyone has that internal desire to be loved by others. The need for "popularity". Everyone has their own way of seeking it. So, ultimately if I'm not steadfast in my purpose, I can allow him to turn sharing my faith into a form of "self-worship". That is why I have tried hard to not just throw up any ol' post. It doesn't matter how many followers I have, how many page views I get, or how many likes I get on Facebook. All that matters is that He is glorified in everything I do, and that it is truly for that one and only purpose.
I started reading Proverbs last night, and I actually wrote this on a notecard to keep with me. I want to be reminded constantly of what I need to do, and to protect myself from the enemy because his main purpose is to destroy me.
"Such are the paths of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the life of those who get it." Proverbs 1:19
I literally just now switched over to FB, and this was on my news feed (Proverbs 31 Ministries). Couldn't have said it better!
I want to start off by explaining why I don't post very often. The main reason is because I want to write posts that are meaningful. That are really going to glorify Him, and spread His word. That is the entire reason I wanted to start this blog. Here lately it's been because I have been disconnected. I feel as if I have been so busy lately that I have let all the treatments, end-of-the-year school activities, studying, work, etc. take center stage. And, unfortunately my relationship with God has been pushed to the back burner. Until yesterday it had been weeks since I read my Bible, and although I pray on a daily basis, I hadn't been actively seeking Him. He spoke to me this week, though. Every time I turned around I was faced with the same topic. He put all the puzzle pieces together for me, and showed me what I need to be working on. Humility.
Humility, according to dictionary.com is the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc. By this definition, and the world's standard, I feel like I do a decent job. I always try to think of others first, and I'm definitely not cocky. But, according to God's standard, I always fall short. All too often I lose sight of the main purpose of my existence - to have a relationship with Him, and bring others to know Him. If I want to serve my ultimate purpose that means I need humility - I need to take the me out of me, and stay focused on Him.
I need to guard my heart from the enemy because he knows exactly where my weaknesses are. For instance, my blog. I want to share my testimony in hopes that it will help others to come to know, and accept Christ. I can't let the devil play on my need for validation. The fact that I want others to like me. Because lets face it, everyone has that internal desire to be loved by others. The need for "popularity". Everyone has their own way of seeking it. So, ultimately if I'm not steadfast in my purpose, I can allow him to turn sharing my faith into a form of "self-worship". That is why I have tried hard to not just throw up any ol' post. It doesn't matter how many followers I have, how many page views I get, or how many likes I get on Facebook. All that matters is that He is glorified in everything I do, and that it is truly for that one and only purpose.
I started reading Proverbs last night, and I actually wrote this on a notecard to keep with me. I want to be reminded constantly of what I need to do, and to protect myself from the enemy because his main purpose is to destroy me.
"Such are the paths of all who go after ill-gotten gain; it takes away the life of those who get it." Proverbs 1:19
I literally just now switched over to FB, and this was on my news feed (Proverbs 31 Ministries). Couldn't have said it better!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
The Lady Behind the Plastic Mask - Part 2
I had my first actual radiation treatment today, and I have to say I didn't feel any different after than I did before, which is good. These first few initial appointments will be longer, the nurse said, because they spend time making sure I'm lined up correctly, and so on. That's one of the things I forgot to mention in the last post...they put little dot tattoos on you! I have one on each side, and then one on my stomach...and they're permanent. Not that that bothers me. I LOVE tattoos!! I think I might make them into something pretty after I'm all done! :) Anyways, they use them to line me up on the table. They had to take extra films today for the doc because I have a supraclavicular tumor (hope I said that right), so depending on the position of my arms it can show up higher or lower. That can be a pain for them! The nurse told me to be prepared tomorrow because she was going to mark on me. I already have a few blue sharpie marks covered with clear stickers. I'm starting to look somewhat like a pin cushion...just kidding!
The longer I'm on the table with the mask over my face the worse my "scales" get. It doesn't actually hurt, it's just kind of uncomfortable.
The longer I'm on the table with the mask over my face the worse my "scales" get. It doesn't actually hurt, it's just kind of uncomfortable.
It would make me look sorta crazy if I were to go out for lunch right after....it goes away fairly quickly though.
The machine they use was nothing like what I expected. I had this mental picture in my head, and then when I walked in the room I was like "WHOA!" The bed is literally a board with a little neck holder, which is what the mask actually gets snapped to. Then the bed gets raised up pretty high, and the machine then moves around you to where they're going to "shoot" you. The whole experience is pretty weird, but at least it doesn't last too long!
Monday, May 13, 2013
The Lady Behind the Plastic Mask
Last Friday I had my 3rd CT scan and met with Dr. Lee (my radiation oncologist). This scan was a little different, and I was completely unprepared for what was going to happen (BIG mistake wearing a dress)! The hospital gown went well with my heels though, LOL!!
After the nurse asked me basic medical questions Dr. Lee came in and we went over all the POSSIBLE side effects of the radiation treatments...there are so many it was easier to just post the picture.
Some of them are kinda scary. Like the fact that I'm so young it puts me at a higher risk for thyroid issues, heart problems, and breast cancer later in life. I just hold to the fact that everyone's experience with treatments are different (so none of these are "guaranteed" to happen), and ultimately God is in control, so His will be done.
Next I went to get the scan. They had to fit me for my mask, shown below, and that was really the weirdest part. It's hard to explain, but I'm going to try. The mask starts out warm and wet and they stretch it over my face and then snap it down to the table. The consistency is like "rubber" taffy. It stretches easily, and then as it cools it stiffens. I'm still not quite sure what exactly it's for, but I'll find out Tuesday when I go for my practice run. I have my first actual radiation treatment on Wednesday.
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| CT Scan Machine |
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| Face Mask |
Sunday, April 28, 2013
'Til Death do Us Part
So, first I have to start by saying "Hey!" because it's been a really long time since I last posted. I try not to make excuses, but life has been crazy lately! Tax season is finally over, so Woo Hoo for that! I also finished my last chemo treatment on April 4th!! Yay!! I had a CT scan last Thursday, and I'll see Dr. Reddy this Thursday to find out when I start radiation, so God willing the end is in sight. That's probably a bad choice of words when you're talking about cancer, but I mean it in a good way, LOL!
Anyways, this week God has placed a huge burden on my heart, and even though it has nothing to do with dealing with cancer I wanted to share it with you all.
Marriage is not easy. If somebody tells you it's easy - they're lying! Now don't take me the wrong way. I love Rey! More than I thought I could ever love a person! Actually, until I met Rey, I didn't want to get married, but all the love we had for each other in no way made it easier for us. Now I'm not going to air all of mine and Rey's dirty laundry, but I'll just say it's been a roller coaster over the last almost 8 years. I think there were a few times where we both were wondering if the "D" word was in our future, but there was one thing that we both agreed on from the beginning. We were eating dinner at Taco Bell in little ol' Ponca City, OK, and we made a pact that it was forever. 'Til death do us part, and we could work through anything. Every time those moments came along when the enemy brought the "D" word into our vocabulary God strategically softened our hearts for the moment. Well here we are almost 8 years later, and we're coexisting. I feel like he doesn't love me enough and he doesn't really talk, so I have no clue how he feels. Thank God for our great friends who gave us the gift of tickets to the Love & Respect conference at our church this past weekend! It changed my life. I know that may sound corny, but it's true! The Holy Spirit touched my heart and opened my eyes.
I honestly went into the conference thinking "I seriously hope he listens to what they have to say. Maybe God will work in his heart, and change his attitude towards me." I think I even said that out loud to a close friend of mine. I thought it was Rey who needed to change. I should've known that all the praying I had been doing for God to give me the answers to "fix" my marriage would not come in the way I expected. Let me say this again real quick. Rey and I don't have a horrible marriage. I don't want you to think that, but I don't want to just coexist. I want our marriage to be more than just roommates who have kids. I want to like him. All of the time!! I know that sounds funny, but I know there are a lot of you out there that can honestly say you love your spouse, but you really don't actually like them anymore. Anyways, during the conference it was like God slapped me in the face. So hard that by the end I was crying. I had no idea what I had been doing to Rey. I was convicted by the Holy Spirit, and I was ready to make a change.
I had no idea that by always focusing on what he wasn't doing I had lost sight of the man I fell in love with. Saturday morning God opened my eyes to all the wrong I had caused in our marriage because of my fear of him making the "wrong" decisions, and I was so self-righteous to think that my way was the only correct way. I'm not God and I'm nowhere near perfect, so why would I be the only one who was right?? My controlling nature had been a large part of the direction our marriage had taken. Basically, my attitude towards Rey had made him passive, and completely changed him into the exact opposite of who I married. He had given up. I fell in love with Rey because he's a protector. I know without a shadow of a doubt that as long as he is with us no one will hurt us. No one! He's a hard worker and loyal! He goes to work every day, even when he's sick. He's funny and always makes us laugh, he is so much smarter than he gives himself credit for, he's a great dad, and he's incredibly sexy! Because I was so focused on the negative, I had completely lost sight of him. It was hard to swallow that by dishonoring Rey, I had really been dishonoring God. That's tough. I felt like a huge failure. But, failures give us a chance to make changes, and so Saturday was the day.
I want to be the wife that he can't wait to get home to. I want to be his best friend. I want to show Bella an example of what a godly wife looks like, and what a marriage should look like. I want to be an example of what type of wife Timmy will look for one day. But, most of all I want to glorify God in all that I do, and that means giving Rey unconditional respect! The Love & Respect conference could not have come at a better time! My only regret is that I wish I would've experienced this at the beginning of our marriage! I never would've expected for God's answer to my prayers to be for me to look in the mirror. I highly recommend getting the book Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs! It could change your life too!!
Anyways, this week God has placed a huge burden on my heart, and even though it has nothing to do with dealing with cancer I wanted to share it with you all.
Marriage is not easy. If somebody tells you it's easy - they're lying! Now don't take me the wrong way. I love Rey! More than I thought I could ever love a person! Actually, until I met Rey, I didn't want to get married, but all the love we had for each other in no way made it easier for us. Now I'm not going to air all of mine and Rey's dirty laundry, but I'll just say it's been a roller coaster over the last almost 8 years. I think there were a few times where we both were wondering if the "D" word was in our future, but there was one thing that we both agreed on from the beginning. We were eating dinner at Taco Bell in little ol' Ponca City, OK, and we made a pact that it was forever. 'Til death do us part, and we could work through anything. Every time those moments came along when the enemy brought the "D" word into our vocabulary God strategically softened our hearts for the moment. Well here we are almost 8 years later, and we're coexisting. I feel like he doesn't love me enough and he doesn't really talk, so I have no clue how he feels. Thank God for our great friends who gave us the gift of tickets to the Love & Respect conference at our church this past weekend! It changed my life. I know that may sound corny, but it's true! The Holy Spirit touched my heart and opened my eyes.
I honestly went into the conference thinking "I seriously hope he listens to what they have to say. Maybe God will work in his heart, and change his attitude towards me." I think I even said that out loud to a close friend of mine. I thought it was Rey who needed to change. I should've known that all the praying I had been doing for God to give me the answers to "fix" my marriage would not come in the way I expected. Let me say this again real quick. Rey and I don't have a horrible marriage. I don't want you to think that, but I don't want to just coexist. I want our marriage to be more than just roommates who have kids. I want to like him. All of the time!! I know that sounds funny, but I know there are a lot of you out there that can honestly say you love your spouse, but you really don't actually like them anymore. Anyways, during the conference it was like God slapped me in the face. So hard that by the end I was crying. I had no idea what I had been doing to Rey. I was convicted by the Holy Spirit, and I was ready to make a change.
I had no idea that by always focusing on what he wasn't doing I had lost sight of the man I fell in love with. Saturday morning God opened my eyes to all the wrong I had caused in our marriage because of my fear of him making the "wrong" decisions, and I was so self-righteous to think that my way was the only correct way. I'm not God and I'm nowhere near perfect, so why would I be the only one who was right?? My controlling nature had been a large part of the direction our marriage had taken. Basically, my attitude towards Rey had made him passive, and completely changed him into the exact opposite of who I married. He had given up. I fell in love with Rey because he's a protector. I know without a shadow of a doubt that as long as he is with us no one will hurt us. No one! He's a hard worker and loyal! He goes to work every day, even when he's sick. He's funny and always makes us laugh, he is so much smarter than he gives himself credit for, he's a great dad, and he's incredibly sexy! Because I was so focused on the negative, I had completely lost sight of him. It was hard to swallow that by dishonoring Rey, I had really been dishonoring God. That's tough. I felt like a huge failure. But, failures give us a chance to make changes, and so Saturday was the day.
I want to be the wife that he can't wait to get home to. I want to be his best friend. I want to show Bella an example of what a godly wife looks like, and what a marriage should look like. I want to be an example of what type of wife Timmy will look for one day. But, most of all I want to glorify God in all that I do, and that means giving Rey unconditional respect! The Love & Respect conference could not have come at a better time! My only regret is that I wish I would've experienced this at the beginning of our marriage! I never would've expected for God's answer to my prayers to be for me to look in the mirror. I highly recommend getting the book Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs! It could change your life too!!
Monday, March 25, 2013
With Growing Pride I Wear My Scars
Wow! So much has happened in the last few weeks that it seems my brain is doing flips inside my skull. I do have to thank Jesus that I made it through today...just kidding! I keep trying to remind myself that it's always just another opportunity to practice patience, but I was home with 2 sick, whiny kids, and I didn't feel so great myself. I really shouldn't complain though because at least I got to spend some extra time with them, and for that I'm grateful.
This weekend was rough on my self-esteem. I'll be the first to admit this is one area in my life that I really, really struggle with. It makes Rey angry when he tells me I'm beautiful, and I don't believe him. It's hard. I've heard it so many times, "You'd be so pretty if you were skinny." At one point in my life I was a "healthy" weight. The problem was I got there in a very unhealthy way, and needless to say a year later when I got pregnant with Bella it all came back on, plus some. I have a few things I have to check off my list first before I can attack this head-on...like kicking cancer's butt and becoming a CPA. One day in the near future I will cross the finish line with my step-dad when I run my first marathon. That is my goal, but like I said I have a couple things I have to get out of the way first.
Anyways, back to this weekend. I'm not a girly girl. I don't feel the need to wear full make-up, I'm most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans, and when I did have hair I wore it up in a ponytail, a lot. That's not to say I don't like to dress up because I do, but I'm not one of those that can't leave the house unless I'm all done up. On the other hand, I feel like I'm still feminine. I have a curvy shape and "girly" features. But, the way people look at me now makes me feel like I'm a freak. I had a lady run out of the bathroom while I was in there with my daughter. I honestly don't know if she thought I was a man, or what. Anywhere I go people stare at me. I had someone say 'excuse me sir' the other day when I was getting on the elevator. I had on a pink shirt, earrings, make-up, and a purse, but whatever. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm so young, that the possibility of cancer never crosses their minds. I've even joked about would it be easier if I wore leather and spikes. Would that make me look more normal?? I know that I seriously want to get a huge sign that says 'I have cancer. Please don't stare. It hurts my feelings.' Rey tells me all the time that it doesn't matter what people think, but it hurts. I can't help it that I'm an emotional person. That's how God made me.
I still smile at them, and I'm always polite because I know that I can't let the devil win, and break me down. I know that God made me strong, and He will bring me through. It gives me a teaching opportunity with my children, to show them how a person's words and actions can affect others. That God loves everyone, and wants us to love everyone no matter what they look like. I guess as long as I'm learning from my insecurities, I'm rising above them, or so I'd like to think. I just have to look at this as one more way God is molding me into a better person. The person He wants me to be.
This weekend was rough on my self-esteem. I'll be the first to admit this is one area in my life that I really, really struggle with. It makes Rey angry when he tells me I'm beautiful, and I don't believe him. It's hard. I've heard it so many times, "You'd be so pretty if you were skinny." At one point in my life I was a "healthy" weight. The problem was I got there in a very unhealthy way, and needless to say a year later when I got pregnant with Bella it all came back on, plus some. I have a few things I have to check off my list first before I can attack this head-on...like kicking cancer's butt and becoming a CPA. One day in the near future I will cross the finish line with my step-dad when I run my first marathon. That is my goal, but like I said I have a couple things I have to get out of the way first.
Anyways, back to this weekend. I'm not a girly girl. I don't feel the need to wear full make-up, I'm most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans, and when I did have hair I wore it up in a ponytail, a lot. That's not to say I don't like to dress up because I do, but I'm not one of those that can't leave the house unless I'm all done up. On the other hand, I feel like I'm still feminine. I have a curvy shape and "girly" features. But, the way people look at me now makes me feel like I'm a freak. I had a lady run out of the bathroom while I was in there with my daughter. I honestly don't know if she thought I was a man, or what. Anywhere I go people stare at me. I had someone say 'excuse me sir' the other day when I was getting on the elevator. I had on a pink shirt, earrings, make-up, and a purse, but whatever. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm so young, that the possibility of cancer never crosses their minds. I've even joked about would it be easier if I wore leather and spikes. Would that make me look more normal?? I know that I seriously want to get a huge sign that says 'I have cancer. Please don't stare. It hurts my feelings.' Rey tells me all the time that it doesn't matter what people think, but it hurts. I can't help it that I'm an emotional person. That's how God made me.
I still smile at them, and I'm always polite because I know that I can't let the devil win, and break me down. I know that God made me strong, and He will bring me through. It gives me a teaching opportunity with my children, to show them how a person's words and actions can affect others. That God loves everyone, and wants us to love everyone no matter what they look like. I guess as long as I'm learning from my insecurities, I'm rising above them, or so I'd like to think. I just have to look at this as one more way God is molding me into a better person. The person He wants me to be.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Long Time No "See"
Wow! It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but it's been almost a month since the last time I posted. Time sure does fly!! Life definitely has a way of sneaking up on you. There have been so many things run through my head over the last few weeks that I wanted to share with y'all that I don't even know where to start. Maybe I'll just tell you about my past few weeks....
3 weeks ago was my 5th treatment, and let me say that was my roughest one yet! I ended up missing 2 days of work (I made them up later in the week when I felt better), but it took a lot out of me! Last Thursday I had my 6th treatment, and praise God somehow it was not as bad as the last! Maybe it was because I slept more, maybe because I ate better, or who knows, but for whatever reason it wasn't as bad. It wasn't good. But, it wasn't horrible either. It never ceases to amaze me how each one can be somewhat different. Or, what's even weirder, how the symptoms can come in waves. For example, this Monday I felt ok, and then Tuesday I was almost completely out of commission. My Zofran wasn't working. Zofran!! I only stayed at work for maybe an hour and a half before I gave up and headed home. The minute I got home I laid down in bed and woke up almost 5 1/2 hours later. Whoa! I guess I'm still not really good about "resting" until it gets to the point that my body just says "Ok. NO more." Although I'm not really sure rest can keep you from feeling like it would be better to just stay in the bathroom all day.
Cancer still hasn't killed that internal need to try and be superwoman. But, I have become more willing to accept help because honestly I need it. The last few weeks I feel like I've done good to keep my nose above water. And, that's ONLY because I have such a wonderful support system! I feel like if I'm not doing treatments (or recovering from them), then I'm working crazy hours making up what time I missed doing treatments, and if I'm not doing either of those 2 then I'm sleeping. I've never slept this much in my life. Well, maybe when I was a baby, LOL. But, I just remember that eventually it will be over. God willing, sooner than later. Then our lives can get back to what we consider "normal".
That being said, I had my CT scan on Wednesday. Dr. Reddy told me that if everything looked good then my last treatment might be my last. Whaaat!?!?!? Talk about nervous anticipation. The entire day my stomach was in knots...could it really be almost over? It's hard to believe I've already done 6 treatments. Sometimes I wish mine could've been spread every 3 weeks, like almost every other person I know or have read about, but that was not the case. But, it does mean they're over faster. If they're working. So, I just pray for God's will. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. His plan is ALWAYS better, and even though I might not understand it that's ok. I don't need to.
3 weeks ago was my 5th treatment, and let me say that was my roughest one yet! I ended up missing 2 days of work (I made them up later in the week when I felt better), but it took a lot out of me! Last Thursday I had my 6th treatment, and praise God somehow it was not as bad as the last! Maybe it was because I slept more, maybe because I ate better, or who knows, but for whatever reason it wasn't as bad. It wasn't good. But, it wasn't horrible either. It never ceases to amaze me how each one can be somewhat different. Or, what's even weirder, how the symptoms can come in waves. For example, this Monday I felt ok, and then Tuesday I was almost completely out of commission. My Zofran wasn't working. Zofran!! I only stayed at work for maybe an hour and a half before I gave up and headed home. The minute I got home I laid down in bed and woke up almost 5 1/2 hours later. Whoa! I guess I'm still not really good about "resting" until it gets to the point that my body just says "Ok. NO more." Although I'm not really sure rest can keep you from feeling like it would be better to just stay in the bathroom all day.
Cancer still hasn't killed that internal need to try and be superwoman. But, I have become more willing to accept help because honestly I need it. The last few weeks I feel like I've done good to keep my nose above water. And, that's ONLY because I have such a wonderful support system! I feel like if I'm not doing treatments (or recovering from them), then I'm working crazy hours making up what time I missed doing treatments, and if I'm not doing either of those 2 then I'm sleeping. I've never slept this much in my life. Well, maybe when I was a baby, LOL. But, I just remember that eventually it will be over. God willing, sooner than later. Then our lives can get back to what we consider "normal".
That being said, I had my CT scan on Wednesday. Dr. Reddy told me that if everything looked good then my last treatment might be my last. Whaaat!?!?!? Talk about nervous anticipation. The entire day my stomach was in knots...could it really be almost over? It's hard to believe I've already done 6 treatments. Sometimes I wish mine could've been spread every 3 weeks, like almost every other person I know or have read about, but that was not the case. But, it does mean they're over faster. If they're working. So, I just pray for God's will. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. His plan is ALWAYS better, and even though I might not understand it that's ok. I don't need to.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Blessings in Disguise
Well I made it through the second week of tax season. It was definitely easier than the first! The first week I had a treatment, and I felt awful all day at work Saturday...all 11 hours. But, I made it through, and that's all that matters. I've decided that it's best to frontload all my hours (have all my extra OT done by Friday) on the weeks I do treatment. That way if I feel bad on the weekend (which I know I will) I don't have to go in. It does mean really long days during the week, but those are when I do feel good, so I think my plan will work. This has been a big adjustment learning how to fit everything in. My job is more than full-time, I have a second job, still trying to study to get my license, and let's not forget my family! I need time with them! :) I have to admit it has made me more organized with my time, or maybe I should say disciplined. And, let's be honest, my house stays a mess. But a perfect house is not on my list of priorities right now!!
So despite all the scheduling chaos, I really have been trying to be good about reading my Bible, even if it is only 2 or 3 chapters at a time. I'm getting close to finishing the book of Job, and it never ceases to amaze me how much I gleam from each reading. I've started taking notes while I read to remember certain scriptures, or ideas that pop in my head. It's pretty neat. I pray every day for God to tell me what to write my blog posts about, and between reading, listening to KLove, conversations with my friends, and prayer it's like God took an idea and put all the puzzle pieces together for me this week. It was something I used to struggle with a lot, and until I became a true believer, I didn't understand. How bad things happen to good people.
That is what the entire book of Job is about. To make a long story short he is a man of high character that truly loves God, and everything is taken from him - wealth, family, and health, but he refuses to turn from God. His friends that come to help comfort him only end up giving him horrible, and irrelevant, advice and judge him. They told him he had sinned (even though he hadn't) and that's why God had punished him...great friends, huh. But, it made the wheels in my brain start turning...
Before my real, tangible experience with the Holy Spirit I was a nonbeliever. Then for about 8 years I was what I like to call a part-time Christian. You know, one of those that tries to go to church on a regular basis, but really only uses it for their own convenience...like I was still a good person if I went to church Sunday morning even though I made no true commitment to God. It wasn't until this past year that I became a true believer, and started to focus on making my life one that people would see, and never doubt my love for Jesus. Cancer is what truly gave me the desire to be a disciple for Christ. I've said it before that I'm not really 100% sure if my blog is the way I am meant to disciple, but I feel for my life at the moment it is. I'm still learning myself, but I feel this burning desire to spread the love of Jesus because I know that if someone could experience even a fraction of what I have been blessed to know it would change their life. Drastically!
During my period of being a nonbeliever/ part-timer I would wonder what kind of God would let children be taken from their parents, car accidents, heart attacks, drug addiction, and death happen in our world. God was the one to blame for not stopping all the horrible craziness in our world...I mean isn't he supposed to love us?? Nothing bad should ever happen if we are "Christians", right? I was looking at it all wrong. People if there is a second thing I can't stress enough (the first would be that God's love is the only thing that will ever quench the longing in your heart) it is that the devil is real. He is the one that wants to brainwash us into blaming God. He wants to destroy our lives. By whatever means necessary!
What finally clicked for me (after dedicating my life to God) was that suffering can actually be a blessing in disguise. Yea I just stole Laura Story's song lyrics....they're just so good! :) You see, suffering helps feed our duty to help others. I'd bet that every non-profit or awareness campaign was started because a person had to deal with some type of misfortune, and felt the need to help others that were going through the same thing. It also helps us see the true blessings around us! For example, yes I have cancer, but for today I got to kiss my kids goodnight, and tuck them in bed. Some parents don't get to do that tonight. Or, yes I might disagree with Rey over something, but I still get to hold his hand while we watch tv. There's a woman out there that doesn't get to do that tonight. It makes you look at one day at a time. To not take for granted that, on earth, we don't have forever. The fact that no matter what we face we aren't alone. That He is with us always! Yes he may not always intervene to "save" us, but sometimes there is something greater that is supposed to come of it. Cancer has taught me this.
A friend recently bought me the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. February 16th's devotion could not have said it better.
"Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me. My strength and power show themselves most effective in weakness."
So despite all the scheduling chaos, I really have been trying to be good about reading my Bible, even if it is only 2 or 3 chapters at a time. I'm getting close to finishing the book of Job, and it never ceases to amaze me how much I gleam from each reading. I've started taking notes while I read to remember certain scriptures, or ideas that pop in my head. It's pretty neat. I pray every day for God to tell me what to write my blog posts about, and between reading, listening to KLove, conversations with my friends, and prayer it's like God took an idea and put all the puzzle pieces together for me this week. It was something I used to struggle with a lot, and until I became a true believer, I didn't understand. How bad things happen to good people.
That is what the entire book of Job is about. To make a long story short he is a man of high character that truly loves God, and everything is taken from him - wealth, family, and health, but he refuses to turn from God. His friends that come to help comfort him only end up giving him horrible, and irrelevant, advice and judge him. They told him he had sinned (even though he hadn't) and that's why God had punished him...great friends, huh. But, it made the wheels in my brain start turning...
Before my real, tangible experience with the Holy Spirit I was a nonbeliever. Then for about 8 years I was what I like to call a part-time Christian. You know, one of those that tries to go to church on a regular basis, but really only uses it for their own convenience...like I was still a good person if I went to church Sunday morning even though I made no true commitment to God. It wasn't until this past year that I became a true believer, and started to focus on making my life one that people would see, and never doubt my love for Jesus. Cancer is what truly gave me the desire to be a disciple for Christ. I've said it before that I'm not really 100% sure if my blog is the way I am meant to disciple, but I feel for my life at the moment it is. I'm still learning myself, but I feel this burning desire to spread the love of Jesus because I know that if someone could experience even a fraction of what I have been blessed to know it would change their life. Drastically!
During my period of being a nonbeliever/ part-timer I would wonder what kind of God would let children be taken from their parents, car accidents, heart attacks, drug addiction, and death happen in our world. God was the one to blame for not stopping all the horrible craziness in our world...I mean isn't he supposed to love us?? Nothing bad should ever happen if we are "Christians", right? I was looking at it all wrong. People if there is a second thing I can't stress enough (the first would be that God's love is the only thing that will ever quench the longing in your heart) it is that the devil is real. He is the one that wants to brainwash us into blaming God. He wants to destroy our lives. By whatever means necessary!
What finally clicked for me (after dedicating my life to God) was that suffering can actually be a blessing in disguise. Yea I just stole Laura Story's song lyrics....they're just so good! :) You see, suffering helps feed our duty to help others. I'd bet that every non-profit or awareness campaign was started because a person had to deal with some type of misfortune, and felt the need to help others that were going through the same thing. It also helps us see the true blessings around us! For example, yes I have cancer, but for today I got to kiss my kids goodnight, and tuck them in bed. Some parents don't get to do that tonight. Or, yes I might disagree with Rey over something, but I still get to hold his hand while we watch tv. There's a woman out there that doesn't get to do that tonight. It makes you look at one day at a time. To not take for granted that, on earth, we don't have forever. The fact that no matter what we face we aren't alone. That He is with us always! Yes he may not always intervene to "save" us, but sometimes there is something greater that is supposed to come of it. Cancer has taught me this.
A friend recently bought me the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. February 16th's devotion could not have said it better.
"Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me. My strength and power show themselves most effective in weakness."
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Gifts From God
Let me start by saying that it bothered me A LOT when people would try to help me. Rey says I'm too proud. I try to never ask for help, and when I do it's only out of complete necessity. I've always looked at it as a sign of weakness. That I wasn't good enough if I couldn't do it myself. So, that being said, it's been hard adjusting to the overwhelming, outpouring of support from all of my friends, family, and even strangers! It's something that I've been struggling with. Really struggling!! I say that not because I'm ungrateful, but because I've always felt like there was someone else out there who needed it more, or deserved it more. Why should I deserve somebody's time, or money?? But, here's what God has shown me.
Let's start with Sunday. All of the Life Groups started a new short series called "The Genius of Generosity" by Chip Ingram. Generosity is not just about money, or how much, but also the small things we go out of our way to do to help others. I can't donate thousands of dollars, but I can give you my time. It made the wheels in my head start turning. It made me think of all the things people have done for me over the last few months. Then in service Wade Morris was the guest speaker, and he was awesome! One of the things I took most from it was the fact that I need to be in the Bible every day! Which made me remember a thing I saw on Pinterest that said "If you are too busy to be in the Word every day, then you're busier than God ever intended you to be." Talk about feeling convicted!
My good friends at work, Shannon and Angela, and I decided we were going to read it in chronological order. Shannon had printed off a schedule she found online, and we had started it January 1st. The schedule breaks it down so you can read it in a year. Well needless to say I was behind on my schedule (I'm still trying to catch up), but I was starting Job that night. Let's just say - great timing!
Job is the greatest example of keeping your faith in spite of tragedy and pain. The book of Job also reminds you how real Satan is. (As if turning on the news every day isn't enough to see he's running rampant in our society. Trying to break our world apart.) It made me think of all the things, just in the last 2 years, Rey and I have had to endure. In 2011, 2 months after we bought our house, Rey lost his job. He got another job about a month later, but then was laid off again 2 weeks before Christmas. Then one of our cars broke down, and we went 3 months with only one vehicle. Both of our kids were very sick last year. Timmy had tubes put in twice, Bella had to have a colonoscopy, and we had the flu, strep, and pretty much all the other nasty bugs go through our house. Then the Cancer Bomb gets dropped. The devil just keeps piling it on, throwing it in my face, but I will never cave. He will never break my spirit, and he will never make me doubt God's faithfulness. EVER!
So, here is how God "explained" generosity to me. I say explained for lack of better words. It was like the light bulb effect. The ah-ha moment. Satan is the one telling me I'm not worthy. That I don't deserve people's help. That I shouldn't accept anything from others. Because he's trying to get in the way of God working through those people. Like because I haven't caved from anything else he's thrown at me, he's going to try and take away from what God has placed on others hearts to bless me. As my study Bible puts it, "Satan's ploy is to get us to doubt God's love and faithfulness towards us."
I had a friend come to my house the night of my biopsy. She said she was going to give me a gift. I started crying, we both started crying, and I told her I couldn't accept what she was offering. She told me it wasn't an option. She had been praying about it for weeks, and God had put it on her heart to give me this gift. If I said no I was standing in the way of God's blessings. I couldn't do that!
I love how God connects everything in my life to teach me, and "explain" things to me. From here on out I will remember these special gifts, meals, etc. as what they are. Blessing from Him. I will never expect anything. But, if it is meant for me I will accept it humbly, and gratefully, because there will come a day when I will be able to pay it forward!
Let's start with Sunday. All of the Life Groups started a new short series called "The Genius of Generosity" by Chip Ingram. Generosity is not just about money, or how much, but also the small things we go out of our way to do to help others. I can't donate thousands of dollars, but I can give you my time. It made the wheels in my head start turning. It made me think of all the things people have done for me over the last few months. Then in service Wade Morris was the guest speaker, and he was awesome! One of the things I took most from it was the fact that I need to be in the Bible every day! Which made me remember a thing I saw on Pinterest that said "If you are too busy to be in the Word every day, then you're busier than God ever intended you to be." Talk about feeling convicted!
My good friends at work, Shannon and Angela, and I decided we were going to read it in chronological order. Shannon had printed off a schedule she found online, and we had started it January 1st. The schedule breaks it down so you can read it in a year. Well needless to say I was behind on my schedule (I'm still trying to catch up), but I was starting Job that night. Let's just say - great timing!
Job is the greatest example of keeping your faith in spite of tragedy and pain. The book of Job also reminds you how real Satan is. (As if turning on the news every day isn't enough to see he's running rampant in our society. Trying to break our world apart.) It made me think of all the things, just in the last 2 years, Rey and I have had to endure. In 2011, 2 months after we bought our house, Rey lost his job. He got another job about a month later, but then was laid off again 2 weeks before Christmas. Then one of our cars broke down, and we went 3 months with only one vehicle. Both of our kids were very sick last year. Timmy had tubes put in twice, Bella had to have a colonoscopy, and we had the flu, strep, and pretty much all the other nasty bugs go through our house. Then the Cancer Bomb gets dropped. The devil just keeps piling it on, throwing it in my face, but I will never cave. He will never break my spirit, and he will never make me doubt God's faithfulness. EVER!
So, here is how God "explained" generosity to me. I say explained for lack of better words. It was like the light bulb effect. The ah-ha moment. Satan is the one telling me I'm not worthy. That I don't deserve people's help. That I shouldn't accept anything from others. Because he's trying to get in the way of God working through those people. Like because I haven't caved from anything else he's thrown at me, he's going to try and take away from what God has placed on others hearts to bless me. As my study Bible puts it, "Satan's ploy is to get us to doubt God's love and faithfulness towards us."
I had a friend come to my house the night of my biopsy. She said she was going to give me a gift. I started crying, we both started crying, and I told her I couldn't accept what she was offering. She told me it wasn't an option. She had been praying about it for weeks, and God had put it on her heart to give me this gift. If I said no I was standing in the way of God's blessings. I couldn't do that!
I love how God connects everything in my life to teach me, and "explain" things to me. From here on out I will remember these special gifts, meals, etc. as what they are. Blessing from Him. I will never expect anything. But, if it is meant for me I will accept it humbly, and gratefully, because there will come a day when I will be able to pay it forward!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Aye Aye Matey
Well this last treatment was rough. I felt good Thursday and Friday. Rey and I even got to have a date night Friday. We went to On the Border, and then saw Zero Dark Thirty. It was a pretty interesting movie. It was nice getting a night out together! We were trying to remember when our last date was, and we think it was last Valentine's Day....that's pretty bad! That is on our list of things to be better at in 2013 - remember more date nights!!
Saturday I started getting achy earlier than after my last treatment. I took my daily allowance of Aleve by 5pm, and at 830pm I gave in and took a pain pill and went to bed. I feel lucky that I haven't really thrown up much, but the immune booster is what kicks my butt!! I don't think I can fully explain how it feels to someone who has never experienced it, but it feels like your bones are throbbing, sometimes like they might even break. There are moments when I feel like someone blew up a balloon inside my rib cage, and it and my spine are expanding with it. All of my muscles are super tense and achy, I get headaches at the base of my neck, and sometimes it's hard to grip things. The chemo has also caused my blood pressure to be higher than normal, and Sunday morning I guess the shower was too warm because I almost passed out. Then I started dry heaving. I had to lay back down in bed for a while before I could get back up and get ready for church. But, it's killing the cancer, so it's worth it! In all honesty, it really hasn't been as bad as I expected which I am EXTREMELY thankful for!!
This week was interesting to see how other people reacted to my scarves/bald head (under a baseball cap). People I know as well as strangers. You can definitely tell those who have experienced this in some way, whether themselves or a family member, because you can see the compassion in their eyes. There were a lot of younger men who I believe were trying to determine if I was a guy or girl. Which is kinda surprising considering I wear make-up, large earrings, and I have a rather curvy figure, but oh well. The night I went grocery shopping I got A LOT of side glances, and you could tell they were trying to avoid eye contact. I would be lying if I told you it didn't bother me at all, it did. I wanted to wear a sign that said, "Yes, I have cancer. Yes, I still smile. And yes, life still goes on."
I had a hard time at first with the scarves...it was like I couldn't get them to look right. I went the whole week feeling like I looked like a pirate (see picture below).
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| I'm a pirate! |
I finally watched some YouTube videos that helped me figure out how to wear them. I also discovered that I like the larger ones because they're fuller, and make me not look like I have a tiny little head. I got very lucky because a lady I work with let me borrow a whole box of hers (she went through breast cancer about 7 years ago, so she had all different colors and styles). Bella has had fun helping me coordinate them with my outfits!
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| After the YouTube tutorials |
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| Thank you YouTube! |
Today I went up to the cancer center, and got a free wig. Rey helped me pick it out. I really like it, and I think it's cute, but as I found out today it's hot and kinda itchy. I know I won't wear it everyday, but it's definitely nice to have. Before I forget, sorry for the crazy eyebrows in the pictures! I've been lazy about getting them waxed since I know they're going to fall out sooner or later. :)
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| My free wig from the Cancer Society |
Oh yeah, and of course Bella had to try it on too!!
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| Silly Bella Bear!! |
Monday, January 21, 2013
No More Medusa
Well it's official. I'm bald. The shaving party actually turned out to be really fun! Mom started it off by cutting almost 11 inches off! She put it in a ziploc so it can be donated to Locks of Love. I really wanted to do that, but my hair started falling out pretty quick after my 2nd treatment, and I didn't get to. :(
As you can see, everyone took turns either shaving or cutting my hair. The first picture I was just joking with Bella, hahaha! I kept telling her to go easy with the scissors because I didn't want to get stabbed in the head.
Then they started giving me all kinds of crazy hair styles like the comb-over. My brother, Kenny, was taking the pictures, and when he showed me the one below the first thing I thought of was Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder. I've never actually watched the movie...just the end credits where he's dancing, and it's hilarious!!
Rey and Kenny both shaved their heads too. Rey took it all the way down with the razor, so he's a Mexican Mr. Clean now! :) My whole family was very supportive, and the kids loved it!
I've known this was going to be a part of the whole process, and at first I was nervous. Like, would my friends and family still want to go out to dinner if they knew everyone was going to be staring? Would I be able to handle all the side-wards glances? Would my husband still think I was beautiful? Would I cry when it came time to shave it?
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| My Mom cut off her ponytail to donate to "Locks of Love" |
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| Everybody took turns shaving! |
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| This is my Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder look! LOL!! |
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| The Hubster took a Bic to his head! |
I've known this was going to be a part of the whole process, and at first I was nervous. Like, would my friends and family still want to go out to dinner if they knew everyone was going to be staring? Would I be able to handle all the side-wards glances? Would my husband still think I was beautiful? Would I cry when it came time to shave it?
Well, I most definitely did not cry. After waking up with hair on my pillow, and Chewbacca in the shower every morning, I was READY to shave it! Just so I wouldn't have to deal with it falling everywhere. My friends are not shallow, and so I was not giving them enough credit in my head because they would not be embarrassed by something so trivial. And, the look on Rey's face when I was done answered my other question. It was one of those looks that absolutely cannot be faked. Especially by him. I call it his Grinch smile (not to him of course). He does it when he's either really happy, or he thinks something is really awesome. He does this tight lipped, perfectly U-shaped smile, like the Grinch when his heart grew 3 sizes. Then he told me I looked really cute. It was priceless, and I fell in love with him all over again! :)
Most importantly, I wanted to show my daughter that it really, truly doesn't matter what you look like. True beauty is in your heart, your actions, and how you treat others when no one else is looking. A few months ago, before any of this ever came about, Bella and I were talking. Here's a bit of our conversation.
Bella: Would you still think I was pretty if I had no teeth?
Me: Yes.
Bella: Would you think I was pretty if I had a big scar on my face?
Me: Of course.
Bella: Would you think I was pretty if I had big ears that stuck out?
Me: Absolutely.
Bella: Would you think I was pretty if I only had one arm?
Me: Yes ma'am.
Bella: So, pretty much you're saying you'll think I'm pretty no matter what.
Me: Exactly!!
This conversation has been at the front of my mind since I found out the type of chemo I'm getting would make my hair fall out. I just kept thinking what message would I be sending her if I tell her that no matter what I will always think she's beautiful, but then I shut-down because I lose my hair. I mean honestly, it's just hair. I'd be teaching her that vanity is more important. That's the last thing I want to do! I want to show her what it means to be a strong woman. I want to show her that "beauty" does not define you, and what it means to walk proudly with confidence, not arrogance.
For a long time I struggled with the fact that I did not fit the world's definition of beautiful. It hurt that people made fun of me, and hurt my feelings. It took me down dark paths of depression, and eventually to a hell I wish never to return to. Actually, I know I will never go back. God pulled me out of that hell, so with Him by my side I'm good. From the first second I looked into the eyes of my precious baby girl, I vowed to teach her to love herself. To be confident, so that she might not have to ever endure those same feelings of doubt. To steal a quote I saw recently, "Parents need to fill a child's bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can't poke enough holes to drain it dry." - Alvin Price. The best way I knew to do this was by practicing what I preach. Walking the walk, not just talking the talk. So I took it like a champ. I held my head high, and shaved my head! And, I have to say it felt pretty darn good!
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| Here's the final result |
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Perspective
So, the last few weeks I feel like everywhere I turn I'm being slapped in the face with "perspective." I honestly don't mean that in a negative way...I mean it as like there's no denying what I'm supposed to take from the situations I've heard/seen/experienced. Like God is right in my face telling me, "you have all you will ever need. Know this! Remember this!" In my heart I know I do, but let's face it, it's a daily battle fighting against what "the world" thinks you should have, and what you actually need.
Here's a few examples.
Thursday at our COPAS meeting we had a speaker from the Wichita Falls Area Food Bank. Unfortunately I cannot remember his name for the life of me (I'm horrible with names), but he gave a very touching presentation about the crazy statistics in our very own community. You always hear about people in the big metropolitan areas, but in our little town. It was eye-opening! He said that, statistically speaking, you can look out your front door, and one of your three neighbors does not know when their next meal will be. That means 25% of our population is what they call food insecure. It took everything in me not to burst into tears by the end of the presentation. It made me remember. Perspective.
A few days before, a friend of mine's sister texted her asking for prayers. A lady that she's in the homeschool co-op with was driving with her 5 year old and 7 year old daughters, and they were rear-ended. Both little girls went to be with Jesus, and the mother is paralyzed awaiting surgery on her spine. In the blink of eye her precious girls were taken from her. Without one more kiss, without one more "I love you." It made me remember. Perspective.
Then there was worship service Sunday. I'm pretty sure if you were sitting around me I looked crazy. It was one of those shaking shoulders, sobbing uncontrollably, raccoon eyes moments. I don't remember which songs we were singing specifically, but all I know is I felt this overwhelming emotion come over me. I know it was Him. Every song we sang reminded me to trust Him, and that as long as I have Him I have everything I need. I need those reminders. That's why for the most part I pretty much listen to KLove all the time now. It's what keeps me grounded. It keeps me happy. It keeps Jesus in my life every day. It has changed my whole attitude towards life over the last year. I used to listen to some crazy music. My favorite band was Cradle of Filth. Not something I'd want my kids to listen to for sure, and beware if you decide to Google them. Anyways, I started listening to KLove, and everything changed. It wasn't angry. It wasn't crazy. It was uplifting, and happy, and wonderful! Before you know it you're a different person. If you don't already listen to Christian music, I strongly suggest trying the 30 day challenge. See how it changes you. And, like I said before it made me remember. Perspective.
http://www.klove.com/ministry/30-day.aspx
So, yes we don't live in a 2500 square foot house, we drive 10+ year old cars, we DO NOT wear designer clothes (unless they're hand-me-downs), I've never owned a Coach purse, and to be quite honest we've had times where in the famous words of Dave Ramsey, we've had to draw the line. But, here's what we do have. We have a roof over our head, we have food in our tummies, we have healthy amazing children, we have loving family and friends, a church home, and most importantly we have an Amazing God that provides what we need. Not what we want, what we need. So slap me in the face with perspective. It's what I require. I will take arguing kids over an empty house, a dinner of hot dogs and mac and cheese over growling bellies, and I will take a closer relationship with God over self sufficiency any day!! Because in the end, He's all that really matters.
Here's a few examples.
Thursday at our COPAS meeting we had a speaker from the Wichita Falls Area Food Bank. Unfortunately I cannot remember his name for the life of me (I'm horrible with names), but he gave a very touching presentation about the crazy statistics in our very own community. You always hear about people in the big metropolitan areas, but in our little town. It was eye-opening! He said that, statistically speaking, you can look out your front door, and one of your three neighbors does not know when their next meal will be. That means 25% of our population is what they call food insecure. It took everything in me not to burst into tears by the end of the presentation. It made me remember. Perspective.
A few days before, a friend of mine's sister texted her asking for prayers. A lady that she's in the homeschool co-op with was driving with her 5 year old and 7 year old daughters, and they were rear-ended. Both little girls went to be with Jesus, and the mother is paralyzed awaiting surgery on her spine. In the blink of eye her precious girls were taken from her. Without one more kiss, without one more "I love you." It made me remember. Perspective.
Then there was worship service Sunday. I'm pretty sure if you were sitting around me I looked crazy. It was one of those shaking shoulders, sobbing uncontrollably, raccoon eyes moments. I don't remember which songs we were singing specifically, but all I know is I felt this overwhelming emotion come over me. I know it was Him. Every song we sang reminded me to trust Him, and that as long as I have Him I have everything I need. I need those reminders. That's why for the most part I pretty much listen to KLove all the time now. It's what keeps me grounded. It keeps me happy. It keeps Jesus in my life every day. It has changed my whole attitude towards life over the last year. I used to listen to some crazy music. My favorite band was Cradle of Filth. Not something I'd want my kids to listen to for sure, and beware if you decide to Google them. Anyways, I started listening to KLove, and everything changed. It wasn't angry. It wasn't crazy. It was uplifting, and happy, and wonderful! Before you know it you're a different person. If you don't already listen to Christian music, I strongly suggest trying the 30 day challenge. See how it changes you. And, like I said before it made me remember. Perspective.
http://www.klove.com/ministry/30-day.aspx
So, yes we don't live in a 2500 square foot house, we drive 10+ year old cars, we DO NOT wear designer clothes (unless they're hand-me-downs), I've never owned a Coach purse, and to be quite honest we've had times where in the famous words of Dave Ramsey, we've had to draw the line. But, here's what we do have. We have a roof over our head, we have food in our tummies, we have healthy amazing children, we have loving family and friends, a church home, and most importantly we have an Amazing God that provides what we need. Not what we want, what we need. So slap me in the face with perspective. It's what I require. I will take arguing kids over an empty house, a dinner of hot dogs and mac and cheese over growling bellies, and I will take a closer relationship with God over self sufficiency any day!! Because in the end, He's all that really matters.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Prayer Knots
Tonight my parents came over and ate dinner with us (sausage sliders - another super, awesome Pinterest recipe)! Rey used to complain about me being on Pinterest...then he realized how great it was...for his tummy! Haha!
Anyways, a friend Mom works with, Debbie Morris, had brought her a quilt to give to me today. It's beautiful, for so many reasons!
First and foremost, it's most beautiful because it is God working through the hearts of people I've never even met before. It's very moving that strangers took time out of their schedules to make something specifically for me. I cried. It touched my heart!
Second, each knot represents a prayer. They dedicated the quilt in front of the church, and each knot you see is a prayer someone said just for me. That's amazing!! Prayer is already such a beautiful thing, but the quilt gives it a physical reminder. Like every time I cuddle up in it, I'm being covered in prayer, and the love of those involved in making it...literally!
It's also beautiful just because it's beautiful!
Bella and Timmy were super excited when they saw it too! I think they thought it was "theirs", and were a little disappointed when I told them it was for me. But, I told them I would share! :)
Thank you again to all that were involved in making the quilt and tying the prayer knots!! It meant so, so much!!
Anyways, a friend Mom works with, Debbie Morris, had brought her a quilt to give to me today. It's beautiful, for so many reasons!
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| Thank you Debbie Morris and FUMC Graham, TX! |
First and foremost, it's most beautiful because it is God working through the hearts of people I've never even met before. It's very moving that strangers took time out of their schedules to make something specifically for me. I cried. It touched my heart!
Second, each knot represents a prayer. They dedicated the quilt in front of the church, and each knot you see is a prayer someone said just for me. That's amazing!! Prayer is already such a beautiful thing, but the quilt gives it a physical reminder. Like every time I cuddle up in it, I'm being covered in prayer, and the love of those involved in making it...literally!
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| Prayer Knot |
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| "Prayers & Squares" FUMC Graham, TX |
It's also beautiful just because it's beautiful!
Bella and Timmy were super excited when they saw it too! I think they thought it was "theirs", and were a little disappointed when I told them it was for me. But, I told them I would share! :)
Thank you again to all that were involved in making the quilt and tying the prayer knots!! It meant so, so much!!
Saturday, January 5, 2013
The Devil in My Head
Well for the most part this week has been pretty slow. Which I have to admit I've been pretty thankful for! I've felt pretty normal all week, and my taste buds came back Monday (which was nice!), so everything I ate didn't taste like metal.....I have to say nobody forewarned me about that side effect! Rey and I have been on a cleaning spree trying to get everything clean and organized before tax season starts in a few weeks. Trying to make our lives easier! For the most part this week has been pretty good, except I've been struggling with keeping the stupid devil out of my head.
There are so many changes happening in my life right now, and it allows him to creep in and put doubt in my head. Doubts about everything! Are my friends treating me the same, worries about money, medical bills, worries about whether or not this cancer is going to ruin my career, is my dream of becoming a licensed CPA slipping through my fingers, am I going to miss piano recitals, school functions, church programs, how is this going to affect our marriage??? Worries, after worries, after worries. Then it's like fingers snap in front of my face, and God is like, "HELLO?!?! I'm here! Don't listen to that crazy devil who is only trying to create doubt in your head, feed off your insecurities, and ultimately cause you to drift from ME!"
I was praying earlier today, and I asked Him to just take the worry from my heart (and my head), and that if these were things I didn't need to worry about then I wouldn't feel anxious about them. I wouldn't fret about the unknown. I also have to quit assuming things because when it comes to relationships, with anyone, perception is everything, and I tend to over analyze EVERYTHING! In my case it's always better to just ask, talk, and listen because 9 times out of 10 it's nothing like what I'm thinking.
Anyways, He gave me that sense of peace today. It's funny how I have faith that He will carry me through my fight against cancer, but I worry about all this little stuff. This week was definitely a reminder that God will provide in ALL areas of my life. It's all in His plan, and His timing. Not mine. I have to take the "me" out of the equation. I am also very blessed that He has put special people in my life to help me remember this fact! To keep me from going all Debbie Downer on everyone! When I have "breakthroughs" like today I like to imagine God giving the devil an old fashioned butt whoopin'. It makes me laugh! But, most importantly it reminds me that my God is so much more powerful, and awesome, and He will always prevail!!
There are so many changes happening in my life right now, and it allows him to creep in and put doubt in my head. Doubts about everything! Are my friends treating me the same, worries about money, medical bills, worries about whether or not this cancer is going to ruin my career, is my dream of becoming a licensed CPA slipping through my fingers, am I going to miss piano recitals, school functions, church programs, how is this going to affect our marriage??? Worries, after worries, after worries. Then it's like fingers snap in front of my face, and God is like, "HELLO?!?! I'm here! Don't listen to that crazy devil who is only trying to create doubt in your head, feed off your insecurities, and ultimately cause you to drift from ME!"
I was praying earlier today, and I asked Him to just take the worry from my heart (and my head), and that if these were things I didn't need to worry about then I wouldn't feel anxious about them. I wouldn't fret about the unknown. I also have to quit assuming things because when it comes to relationships, with anyone, perception is everything, and I tend to over analyze EVERYTHING! In my case it's always better to just ask, talk, and listen because 9 times out of 10 it's nothing like what I'm thinking.
Anyways, He gave me that sense of peace today. It's funny how I have faith that He will carry me through my fight against cancer, but I worry about all this little stuff. This week was definitely a reminder that God will provide in ALL areas of my life. It's all in His plan, and His timing. Not mine. I have to take the "me" out of the equation. I am also very blessed that He has put special people in my life to help me remember this fact! To keep me from going all Debbie Downer on everyone! When I have "breakthroughs" like today I like to imagine God giving the devil an old fashioned butt whoopin'. It makes me laugh! But, most importantly it reminds me that my God is so much more powerful, and awesome, and He will always prevail!!
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