With Growing Pride I Wear My Scars

Wow! So much has happened in the last few weeks that it seems my brain is doing flips inside my skull. I do have to thank Jesus that I made it through today...just kidding! I keep trying to remind myself that it's always just another opportunity to practice patience, but I was home with 2 sick, whiny kids, and I didn't feel so great myself. I really shouldn't complain though because at least I got to spend some extra time with them, and for that I'm grateful.

This weekend was rough on my self-esteem. I'll be the first to admit this is one area in my life that I really, really struggle with. It makes Rey angry when he tells me I'm beautiful, and I don't believe him. It's hard. I've heard it so many times, "You'd be so pretty if you were skinny." At one point in my life I was a "healthy" weight. The problem was I got there in a very unhealthy way, and needless to say a year later when I got pregnant with Bella it all came back on, plus some. I have a few things I have to check off my list first before I can attack this head-on...like kicking cancer's butt and becoming a CPA. One day in the near future I will cross the finish line with my step-dad when I run my first marathon. That is my goal, but like I said I have a couple things I have to get out of the way first.

Anyways, back to this weekend. I'm not a girly girl. I don't feel the need to wear full make-up, I'm most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans, and when I did have hair I wore it up in a ponytail, a lot. That's not to say I don't like to dress up because I do, but I'm not one of those that can't leave the house unless I'm all done up. On the other hand, I feel like I'm still feminine. I have a curvy shape and "girly" features. But, the way people look at me now makes me feel like I'm a freak. I had a lady run out of the bathroom while I was in there with my daughter. I honestly don't know if she thought I was a man, or what. Anywhere I go people stare at me. I had someone say 'excuse me sir' the other day when I was getting on the elevator. I had on a pink shirt, earrings, make-up, and a purse, but whatever.  I don't know if it's the fact that I'm so young, that the possibility of cancer never crosses their minds. I've even joked about would it be easier if I wore leather and spikes. Would that make me look more normal?? I know that I seriously want to get a huge sign that says 'I have cancer. Please don't stare. It hurts my feelings.' Rey tells me all the time that it doesn't matter what people think, but it hurts. I can't help it that I'm an emotional person. That's how God made me.

I still smile at them, and I'm always polite because I know that I can't let the devil win, and break me down. I know that God made me strong, and He will bring me through. It gives me a teaching opportunity with my children, to show them how a person's words and actions can affect others. That God loves everyone, and wants us to love everyone no matter what they look like. I guess as long as I'm learning from my insecurities, I'm rising above them, or so I'd like to think. I just have to look at this as one more way God is molding me into a better person. The person He wants me to be.

Long Time No "See"

Wow! It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but it's been almost a month since the last time I posted. Time sure does fly!! Life definitely has a way of sneaking up on you. There have been so many things run through my head over the last few weeks that I wanted to share with y'all that I don't even know where to start. Maybe I'll just tell you about my past few weeks....

3 weeks ago was my 5th treatment, and let me say that was my roughest one yet! I ended up missing 2 days of work (I made them up later in the week when I felt better), but it took a lot out of me! Last Thursday I had my 6th treatment, and praise God somehow it was not as bad as the last! Maybe it was because I slept more, maybe because I ate better, or who knows, but for whatever reason it wasn't as bad. It wasn't good. But, it wasn't horrible either. It never ceases to amaze me how each one can be somewhat different. Or, what's even weirder, how the symptoms can come in waves. For example, this Monday I felt ok, and then Tuesday I was almost completely out of commission. My Zofran wasn't working. Zofran!! I only stayed at work for maybe an hour and a half before I gave up and headed home. The minute I got home I laid down in bed and woke up almost 5 1/2 hours later. Whoa! I guess I'm still not really good about "resting" until it gets to the point that my body just says "Ok. NO more." Although I'm not really sure rest can keep you from feeling like it would be better to just stay in the bathroom all day.

Cancer still hasn't killed that internal need to try and be superwoman. But, I have become more willing to accept help because honestly I need it. The last few weeks I feel like I've done good to keep my nose above water. And, that's ONLY because I have such a wonderful support system! I feel like if I'm not doing treatments (or recovering from them), then I'm working crazy hours making up what time I missed doing treatments, and if I'm not doing either of those 2 then I'm sleeping. I've never slept this much in my life. Well, maybe when I was a baby, LOL. But, I just remember that eventually it will be over. God willing, sooner than later. Then our lives can get back to what we consider "normal".

That being said, I had my CT scan on Wednesday. Dr. Reddy told me that if everything looked good then my last treatment might be my last. Whaaat!?!?!? Talk about nervous anticipation. The entire day my stomach was in knots...could it really be almost over? It's hard to believe I've already done 6 treatments. Sometimes I wish mine could've been spread every 3 weeks, like almost every other person I know or have read about, but that was not the case. But, it does mean they're over faster. If they're working. So, I just pray for God's will. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. His plan is ALWAYS better, and even though I might not understand it that's ok. I don't need to.