So, it's been a long time since I've written. There are so many excuses I could probably write an entire post rationalizing why I haven't made the time. But I know why. I haven't been on my knees praying...immersed in the word...constantly seeking His face. I've drifted, temporarily lost His voice. You see, that's what happens. I got better. I forgot. My focus adjusted and I became far sighted. My time frame no longer consisted of making it through each day. It became next week...next month...our 5 year plan. I allowed myself to get irritated with my kids over small stuff, to not hold my tongue with the ones I love most. Because for the time being, there's no daily appointments, no blood work, no more pain. The everyday nonsense of life has slowly pulled me away, little by little. I've become lukewarm, mindlessly going through the motions of obedience. I have forgotten to cherish every second.
A few weeks ago at the end of the sermon our pastor asked us if there was ever a time where we felt closer to the Lord. I started crying. It broke my heart that I had allowed myself to wander. Thanksgiving drove it home even harder. This was the first "real" holiday since I've finished treatments. Yes, I know the other holidays are real. :) By "real" I just mean Thanksgiving is a holiday that revolves around family. I could honestly care less if there's a big, stuffed turkey on the table (I'm sure my vegan brother would appreciate that). I actually tried to talk my mom into getting frozen pizzas so we could just hang out and watch football. Needless to say, I lost that argument. But, it really does stand for family, togetherness, friendship, fellowship, thankfulness. It makes you reflect on everything your thankful for. While perusing Pinterest that day, it hit me - this day could have been very different. I know it's morbid to think about, but sometimes you need those wake up calls. To remember - EVERY day is borrowed. I know I do!!
I'm pretty sure people think I'm ridiculous when I say this, but sometimes it's the hard stuff in life that makes you realize how truly great life is. Now I look back, and realize everything I've been through prepared me for the next. If I wouldn't have pushed through the hard stuff as a young adult I wouldn't have been prepared to face cancer. I also wouldn't be as grateful. But, hindsight is always 20-20....
I'm a visual person - so if I see it (mental pictures) I can do it, so this is one of the metaphors I use. In front of me is Jesus, behind me is the enemy. The harder I run towards Him, the harder the enemy tries to pull me back. With each jerk, the enemy rips off a layer of the old me. In my desperate pursuit of Christ I am made newer, fresher, lighter, giving me the ability to run faster toward Him. The Word = my Gatorade, prayer & quiet time = my carbs. The enemy thinks he's breaking me down, but in truth each time I overcome his grip, I become stronger, so that the next time he tries to get a hold on me, I can more easily escape his grasp. I am armed to turn and fight. I will never sit. I will never give up. I will never let the devil defeat me. I may stumble, but I will forever keep running - sprinting. I have been derailed lately, but I am going to get back on track - full force and ready to go! I am making imperfect progress (love that description from Lysa TerKeurst)!!
I am a child of God. I want to live boldly for Jesus. Be a blazing fire for Him, in a world full of darkness.
