It's been a LONG time since I last posted, and actually a lot has happened! Most importantly, I found out a few weeks ago that my PET scan came back clear, so I am cancer free! Amazing news, and a total blessing!!!
This post really has nothing to do with my fight with cancer, but deals with my relationship with God - those situations you face on a daily basis.
Last week Bella was invited to go out of town with her best friend, and her family, on Saturday. Not a super, long trip, but about 2 hours away. Now I know that as your child grows it brings about all sorts of new "firsts", which in turn brings about all sorts of new emotions. Fears. She's been out of town with my parents before, she even went as far as South Dakota with them, but this was the first out-of-town trip that wasn't with family. I let her go, but immediately after I said yes, I felt like I was going to throw up.
I kept fretting, going over the what-ifs, literally freaking myself out - what if something happened, what if I couldn't get there in time, what if that would be the last time I kissed her cheek and told her 'I love you', what if?? I was a nervous wreck almost the whole week! This was one of those times I seriously needed to be grounded. To be kept from drifting off into Paranoidville! Thanks to my friend Shannon, she told me, "You've just got to put her in God's hands." So simple. So obvious. Then it hit me. Guilt. Guilt that my faith had been lacking. Guilt that I thought I had control.
Sunday after church, the kids and I went with my parents to Oklahoma City to visit my grandma. There was a point during the trip while I was driving, and everyone else had fallen asleep, so I started praying. I thanked God that He had returned my precious Bella to me safely, and that we would have a safe trip to OKC, and back. I also apologized for not seeking Him. That He wasn't the first one I went to, to calm my fears. That I was sorry. Sorry that I hadn't instinctively known His plan is always better. That everything has a greater purpose - whether, in our worldly view, it is good or bad. In that moment I was so completely, and utterly consumed with emotion that the tears immediately began flowing from my eyes.
You see, I love my children dearly. They are both miracles from Heaven, and I wonder daily what I've done to deserve so much goodness. Their hugs, their kisses, their innocent happiness. I would go to the ends of the earth for them. I would do chemo everyday for the rest of my life, if it meant a better life for them. I would give up my life to spare theirs. I would do anything for them! In my moment of weakness, vulnerability, confessing my heart, I knew. I understood. I sobbed. He gave me a microscopic look into what He had done. He spoke to my heart - that is how much you love your children, but THIS is how much I loved you. I cry now, as I write....overwhelming feelings....
John 3:16. The most important verse in the entire Bible. "For God so loved the world, that He gave His one, and ONLY son, that whoever believes in Him, shall not parish, but have eternal life." He died for me. For everyone. Everyone past, present, and future. All of us. Those of us who on a daily basis forget Him, are ungrateful for His gifts, those of us who refuse to fully trust Him. Jesus took the burden of our sins - so that we have the gift of eternal life. It's intense! When I think about if I had to make that decision regarding my child, my heart aches. The thought literally makes my body hurt. For this very purpose I try harder, every single day, to follow His footsteps. Yes, I fail. But, I keep trying harder and harder, to further His kingdom, so that others may experience this incredible gift. The gift of ultimate love!
