Crying Out

I have to admit this weekend was emotional for me. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it was the steroids, maybe it was my hormones, maybe the hot flashes, or maybe it was just me. For whatever reason, I cried a lot more than I have in a long time. I wasn't crying because I was sad, or depressed, I cried because of how far I've come. It was like every song on KLove reminded me of who I am now, and how God has literally carried me through. I'll be honest with you if I would've been diagnosed with cancer even 3 years ago I would not be singing the same tune. God has worked in my life in so many ways this past year I don't even know where to start.

I know this may be easier for me because I didn't walk in and the doctor put a time stamp on my life, and give me 8 months to live. The doctor told me if you have any cancer this is the one to have, he said the chemo will melt the tumors like ice, and used words like "curable". I feel very blessed that this is the case, but at the very beginning of all this I was really scared! All I knew was that I had multiple tumors (one the size of a softball) near my heart, and in my heart, I knew it was cancer. I was lying in bed one night crying, and I started praying, "God please take the fear from my heart! I can't do this alone. I know your plan is better, and if your plan involves me coming home to be with You I just have to know that you will provide for my family." From that moment I decided that it was imperative that I pray daily for the salvation of those that I love! Because I know that as long as they accept Jesus then I will see them again one day. I pray for my husband to have the strength, and patience, to take on my motherly duties when the time comes, and the chemo has made me weak. I pray for my mom, that she may find the peace I have in all of this because this has been really hard on her.

There have been 2 times in my life where I hit that wall, and I had no other option but to cry out to Him. The first time was this same time of year 9 years ago. It was by far the darkest time of my entire life, and at that point I didn't believe there was a God. I had a counselor tell me to read this book called The Power of Positive Thinking by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, and I was like great what is this going to do for me. I remember sitting on my bed crying one night, and the only thing I could think of was that the book had a chapter called Try Prayer Power. I hadn't actually even read the book, but I was desperate, so I did. I prayed. I said, "God if You are real, if You are listening, I need to know because I cannot do this by myself." It was the most powerful, amazing, and life altering experience.....I felt Him. It was as if I could feel His warm arms wrap around me. It was indescribable  At that one moment all I could feel was love. No fear. No pain. Only LOVE! I sit here crying as I write this because of how blessed I feel that I was so lucky to experience that moment! That moment changed my life! I'm not saying after that everything was perfect. It wasn't. I ran from Him for the next 8 years because I thought I wasn't good enough. I didn't understand Grace. It wasn't until early this year that I did.

The second time was the first night I said the prayer asking Him to take the fear from my heart. He gave me this overwhelming peace about everything. I knew that no matter what my future held for me it was ok because He was with me. It's like I could literally feel Him next to me!

I heard the song from Plumb on Saturday at least 4 different times (it's definitely one of my favorites), and it has these same emotions. It's one of those songs that rocks you to the core, and I sat at my desk and bawled through the entire song.....listen and you will understand.

"Need You Now" by Plumb

I know some may think I'm crazy, but I feel blessed for the struggles in my life. In my darkest moments I found Him, He made me strong, and I KNOW He is real! 

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10.

Round One...Ding, Ding

Well this week I had my first treatment. I did chemo on Thursday, and then the shot to boost my immune system Friday. The chemo wasn't bad (they told me the first one would be easy), but the shot hasn't been very fun. It feels just like everyone has been telling me. It feels like the flu. Achy body, chills, and my neck hurts. But, in all honesty I have felt worse. The nurses keep telling me that it has a snowball effect, so I have a lot of fun to look forward to! Sarcasm.

There are 21 beds in the infusion suite (if I counted right), and every single one was full Thursday. They were super busy! Between Christmas and the snow, they had to fit 5 days of treatments into 2. I have MUCH respect for nurses!! Everyone there was super nice, and talkative, even the other patients...the old guys like to joke around, so Rey definitely got in on that! :) 

I also realized why having an infusaport will make my life so much easier. First, I won't have to get an IV every treatment. There's absolutely no pain involved when they access my port, and it's easy. Second, I don't have to worry about a vein blowing, which unfortunate for the lady it happened to, I got to observe. The nurse also let me know that one of the chemo meds I'm taking could be excruciatingly painful if it were to get out of the vein, so I'm glad I won't have to worry about that!!

Infusion Suite

Rey took this while I was snoozing...not my most flattering picture! :)

The treatment was about 3 hours long. The blood work and waiting made my total time there about 5 hours, but they were really busy so it probably won't take that long next time. I got a slew of different meds before actually starting the ABVD (that's the type of chemo I'm getting) like Benadryl, Pepcid, anti-nausea, steroids and some other things to help counter the side effects of the chemo. It's all those pre-meds that made me really, really sleepy. I brought my stuff to study, but that didn't work out real well. I did get to read a little bit, but I mostly just relaxed. I went to work right after, so I had on my nice clothes...won't be doing that again. I'll go home and change next time!

What to Expect

I finally got all of the test results back, and I got some great news!! Like I said last time I have Classical Hodgkin's Lymphoma, Nodular Sclerosis Sub-type. The great news is that I don't have any tumors below my diaphragm, so it's only Stage IIA, and the cancer is NOT in my bone marrow!! That was a huge concern of mine because I've heard there can be a lot of complications, treatment wise, (bone marrow transplants, stem cell treatments, etc.).

I was talking about all the tests with my brother, Kenny, and he mentioned that I should make a list of all the tests and appointments, so that you can have an idea what to expect. I figure the best way to do this is by listing them in chronological order.

11/29/12 - X-Ray - this is how they initially discovered the lymph node.
12/04/12 - CT Scan
12/05/12 - First appointment with Oncologist - LOTS of blood work
12/11/12 - Appointment with surgeon to discuss biopsy
12/13/12 - Biopsy (surgery)
12/14/12 - Bone Marrow Biopsy
12/18/12 - Pulmonary Function Test & PET Scan
12/19/12 - Echo-cardiogram
12/20/12 - Implant infusaport (surgery)
12/21/12 - Chemo Class

My Oncologist's R.N. called me Monday and said, "I have a list of your appointments for the week." I thought she was joking...haha. In all honesty it is good that they are aggressive, and don't want to wait around!

During the chemo class today I took A LOT of notes! There are so many things that you don't hear about "through the grapevine" about chemo. I know everyone's different, but I like to be prepared!! I should've been a Boy Scout...haha! I'm nervous, but ready to get the first treatment out of the way, so I know how my body will react to it. I have a full-time job and a part-time job, I have 2 small (very active) kids, and I'm studying for the CPA exam, so needless to say I need to know how to plan my life for the next 6 months while I'm doing treatments! No matter what lies ahead I know that when times get too hard He will carry me through it!!

In a completely different, and unexpected way, He provided for me again today!! To say the least He has put some very amazing, special, and compassionate people in my life over the past few years, and words literally cannot describe my appreciation for them!! I hope one day I have the ability to return the blessings or pass them on to someone else who needs them!! I cannot say enough how much I appreciate all they have done for me!! I know I'm being vague here, but it's for a reason. They know who they are, and I just want them to know how much I love them, and how grateful I am!!

So all in all today has been an awesome day! I know some would say yea, but you still have cancer...to that I say this. There will always be struggles, but in every struggle there is a blessing. You just have to find it! :)

Whispers In My Heart

I was recently diagnosed with Classic Hodgkin's Lymphoma, and I want to share my journey through it all. Beginning to end. Everything. I'm the type of person who is pretty transparent with my life...which means you'll get the real deal. Raw, and not candy-coated. But, through it all I want to share my faith. I want to glorify Him in all I do!

I'll start by making a short story long.

I stayed home from work on a Monday. I had felt pretty bad all weekend. Had the whole runny nose, sorta cough, itchy throat....I had found some antibiotics from the last time I was sick, so I had started taking those. By Tuesday morning I was feeling pretty good, and back at work. Wednesday it started getting really hard to breathe (like what I assume it would feel like to be stabbed) every time I would breathe. I sat there thinking to myself, "this is pretty bad....I should probably go to the doctor....then a voice inside me said, "Go. It's cancer." I tried to blow it off because I never go to the doctor unless I absolutely have to, but my loving husband and mother badgered me until I finally gave in and went to clinic care Thursday morning. The doctor listened to my lungs and all that jazz and was pretty sure it was walking pneumonia, so he sent me for a chest x-ray. When he came back he handed me the prescription and said, "Find a family doctor. Have them order a CT scan." He didn't even tell me why I was sick, but that they had found a lymph node. 

The next day I found a family doctor (he was new and not completely backed up - our old MD had retired...), he ordered the CT scan the next week, and lo and behold I had 3 tumors in my anterior mediastinum, the largest was about 8 cm. I now had an oncologist. He ordered blood work. A LOT of blood work. All which came back normal....was I in the clear?? Not quite. I talked with the surgeon that was scheduled to do the biopsy because they needed a tissue diagnosis. When I met with him a new "mass" had popped up on my neck (it felt about the size of a golf ball - and wasn't there days before when I had seen the oncologist). He decided it would be best to biopsy that, and then only if necessary go into my chest because the other tumors were so close to my heart.

The Wednesday night before my biopsy I prayed, "God, I know I may not get the answer I want, but that is ok. My earthly brain can not begin to fathom your infinite wisdom, and I know you have a plan for my life. Therefore, I completely surrender my fears to You. I will praise you in victory, and I will praise you in defeat. Forever. Amen." He gave me a sense of peace. I prayed for His will to be done. His will is ALWAYS a better plan than ours, and we don't have to understand it. Thursday morning I already knew the answer before they told me the biopsy results. God had already told me that first Wednesday afternoon while I was sitting at work. 

That morning while in recovery waiting for the anesthesia to wear off I said another prayer, "God, I promise to NEVER ask You why. Just tell me what You want me to do with this." I firmly believe that. God didn't give me cancer, but he's going to allow me to have this experience for a purpose, and I feel that is to share my testimony with others, so that hopefully I can give them hope through their struggles. Whatever they may be. I'm not 100% sure it's through writing a blog, but this is where I'm going to start!