Wow! So much has happened in the last few weeks that it seems my brain is doing flips inside my skull. I do have to thank Jesus that I made it through today...just kidding! I keep trying to remind myself that it's always just another opportunity to practice patience, but I was home with 2 sick, whiny kids, and I didn't feel so great myself. I really shouldn't complain though because at least I got to spend some extra time with them, and for that I'm grateful.
This weekend was rough on my self-esteem. I'll be the first to admit this is one area in my life that I really, really struggle with. It makes Rey angry when he tells me I'm beautiful, and I don't believe him. It's hard. I've heard it so many times, "You'd be so pretty if you were skinny." At one point in my life I was a "healthy" weight. The problem was I got there in a very unhealthy way, and needless to say a year later when I got pregnant with Bella it all came back on, plus some. I have a few things I have to check off my list first before I can attack this head-on...like kicking cancer's butt and becoming a CPA. One day in the near future I will cross the finish line with my step-dad when I run my first marathon. That is my goal, but like I said I have a couple things I have to get out of the way first.
Anyways, back to this weekend. I'm not a girly girl. I don't feel the need to wear full make-up, I'm most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans, and when I did have hair I wore it up in a ponytail, a lot. That's not to say I don't like to dress up because I do, but I'm not one of those that can't leave the house unless I'm all done up. On the other hand, I feel like I'm still feminine. I have a curvy shape and "girly" features. But, the way people look at me now makes me feel like I'm a freak. I had a lady run out of the bathroom while I was in there with my daughter. I honestly don't know if she thought I was a man, or what. Anywhere I go people stare at me. I had someone say 'excuse me sir' the other day when I was getting on the elevator. I had on a pink shirt, earrings, make-up, and a purse, but whatever. I don't know if it's the fact that I'm so young, that the possibility of cancer never crosses their minds. I've even joked about would it be easier if I wore leather and spikes. Would that make me look more normal?? I know that I seriously want to get a huge sign that says 'I have cancer. Please don't stare. It hurts my feelings.' Rey tells me all the time that it doesn't matter what people think, but it hurts. I can't help it that I'm an emotional person. That's how God made me.
I still smile at them, and I'm always polite because I know that I can't let the devil win, and break me down. I know that God made me strong, and He will bring me through. It gives me a teaching opportunity with my children, to show them how a person's words and actions can affect others. That God loves everyone, and wants us to love everyone no matter what they look like. I guess as long as I'm learning from my insecurities, I'm rising above them, or so I'd like to think. I just have to look at this as one more way God is molding me into a better person. The person He wants me to be.
HOW I GOT CURED OF HERPES VIRUS.
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