'Til Death do Us Part

So, first I have to start by saying "Hey!" because it's been a really long time since I last posted. I try not to make excuses, but life has been crazy lately! Tax season is finally over, so Woo Hoo for that! I also finished my last chemo treatment on April 4th!! Yay!! I had a CT scan last Thursday, and I'll see Dr. Reddy this Thursday to find out when I start radiation, so God willing the end is in sight. That's probably a bad choice of words when you're talking about cancer, but I mean it in a good way, LOL!

Anyways, this week God has placed a huge burden on my heart, and even though it has nothing to do with dealing with cancer I wanted to share it with you all.

Marriage is not easy. If somebody tells you it's easy - they're lying! Now don't take me the wrong way. I love Rey! More than I thought I could ever love a person! Actually, until I met Rey, I didn't want to get married, but all the love we had for each other in no way made it easier for us. Now I'm not going to air all of mine and Rey's dirty laundry, but I'll just say it's been a roller coaster over the last almost 8 years. I think there were a few times where we both were wondering if the "D" word was in our future, but there was one thing that we both agreed on from the beginning. We were eating dinner at Taco Bell in little ol' Ponca City, OK, and we made a pact that it was forever. 'Til death do us part, and we could work through anything. Every time those moments came along when the enemy brought the "D" word into our vocabulary God strategically softened our hearts for the moment. Well here we are almost 8 years later, and we're coexisting. I feel like he doesn't love me enough and he doesn't really talk, so I have no clue how he feels. Thank God for our great friends who gave us the gift of tickets to the Love & Respect conference at our church this past weekend! It changed my life. I know that may sound corny, but it's true! The Holy Spirit touched my heart and opened my eyes.

I honestly went into the conference thinking "I seriously hope he listens to what they have to say. Maybe God will work in his heart, and change his attitude towards me." I think I even said that out loud to a close friend of mine. I thought it was Rey who needed to change. I should've known that all the praying I had been doing for God to give me the answers to "fix" my marriage would not come in the way I expected. Let me say this again real quick. Rey and I don't have a horrible marriage. I don't want you to think that, but I don't want to just coexist. I want our marriage to be more than just roommates who have kids. I want to like him. All of the time!! I know that sounds funny, but I know there are a lot of you out there that can honestly say you love your spouse, but you really don't actually like them anymore. Anyways, during the conference it was like God slapped me in the face. So hard that by the end I was crying. I had no idea what I had been doing to Rey. I was convicted by the Holy Spirit, and I was ready to make a change.

I had no idea that by always focusing on what he wasn't doing I had lost sight of the man I fell in love with. Saturday morning God opened my eyes to all the wrong I had caused in our marriage because of my fear of him making the "wrong" decisions, and I was so self-righteous to think that my way was the only correct way. I'm not God and I'm nowhere near perfect, so why would I be the only one who was right?? My controlling nature had been a large part of the direction our marriage had taken. Basically, my attitude towards Rey had made him passive, and completely changed him into the exact opposite of who I married. He had given up. I fell in love with Rey because he's a protector. I know without a shadow of a doubt that as long as he is with us no one will hurt us. No one! He's a hard worker and loyal! He goes to work every day, even when he's sick. He's funny and always makes us laugh, he is so much smarter than he gives himself credit for, he's a great dad, and he's incredibly sexy! Because I was so focused on the negative, I had completely lost sight of him. It was hard to swallow that by dishonoring Rey, I had really been dishonoring God. That's tough. I felt like a huge failure. But, failures give us a chance to make changes, and so Saturday was the day.

I want to be the wife that he can't wait to get home to. I want to be his best friend. I want to show Bella an example of what a godly wife looks like, and what a marriage should look like. I want to be an example of what type of wife Timmy will look for one day. But, most of all I want to glorify God in all that I do, and that means giving Rey unconditional respect! The Love & Respect conference could not have come at a better time! My only regret is that I wish I would've experienced this at the beginning of our marriage! I never would've expected for God's answer to my prayers to be for me to look in the mirror. I highly recommend getting the book Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs! It could change your life too!!