Crying Out

I have to admit this weekend was emotional for me. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it was the steroids, maybe it was my hormones, maybe the hot flashes, or maybe it was just me. For whatever reason, I cried a lot more than I have in a long time. I wasn't crying because I was sad, or depressed, I cried because of how far I've come. It was like every song on KLove reminded me of who I am now, and how God has literally carried me through. I'll be honest with you if I would've been diagnosed with cancer even 3 years ago I would not be singing the same tune. God has worked in my life in so many ways this past year I don't even know where to start.

I know this may be easier for me because I didn't walk in and the doctor put a time stamp on my life, and give me 8 months to live. The doctor told me if you have any cancer this is the one to have, he said the chemo will melt the tumors like ice, and used words like "curable". I feel very blessed that this is the case, but at the very beginning of all this I was really scared! All I knew was that I had multiple tumors (one the size of a softball) near my heart, and in my heart, I knew it was cancer. I was lying in bed one night crying, and I started praying, "God please take the fear from my heart! I can't do this alone. I know your plan is better, and if your plan involves me coming home to be with You I just have to know that you will provide for my family." From that moment I decided that it was imperative that I pray daily for the salvation of those that I love! Because I know that as long as they accept Jesus then I will see them again one day. I pray for my husband to have the strength, and patience, to take on my motherly duties when the time comes, and the chemo has made me weak. I pray for my mom, that she may find the peace I have in all of this because this has been really hard on her.

There have been 2 times in my life where I hit that wall, and I had no other option but to cry out to Him. The first time was this same time of year 9 years ago. It was by far the darkest time of my entire life, and at that point I didn't believe there was a God. I had a counselor tell me to read this book called The Power of Positive Thinking by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, and I was like great what is this going to do for me. I remember sitting on my bed crying one night, and the only thing I could think of was that the book had a chapter called Try Prayer Power. I hadn't actually even read the book, but I was desperate, so I did. I prayed. I said, "God if You are real, if You are listening, I need to know because I cannot do this by myself." It was the most powerful, amazing, and life altering experience.....I felt Him. It was as if I could feel His warm arms wrap around me. It was indescribable  At that one moment all I could feel was love. No fear. No pain. Only LOVE! I sit here crying as I write this because of how blessed I feel that I was so lucky to experience that moment! That moment changed my life! I'm not saying after that everything was perfect. It wasn't. I ran from Him for the next 8 years because I thought I wasn't good enough. I didn't understand Grace. It wasn't until early this year that I did.

The second time was the first night I said the prayer asking Him to take the fear from my heart. He gave me this overwhelming peace about everything. I knew that no matter what my future held for me it was ok because He was with me. It's like I could literally feel Him next to me!

I heard the song from Plumb on Saturday at least 4 different times (it's definitely one of my favorites), and it has these same emotions. It's one of those songs that rocks you to the core, and I sat at my desk and bawled through the entire song.....listen and you will understand.

"Need You Now" by Plumb

I know some may think I'm crazy, but I feel blessed for the struggles in my life. In my darkest moments I found Him, He made me strong, and I KNOW He is real! 

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10.