Blessings in Disguise

Well I made it through the second week of tax season. It was definitely easier than the first! The first week I had a treatment, and I felt awful all day at work Saturday...all 11 hours. But, I made it through, and that's all that matters. I've decided that it's best to frontload all my hours (have all my extra OT done by Friday) on the weeks I do treatment. That way if I feel bad on the weekend (which I know I will) I don't have to go in. It does mean really long days during the week, but those are when I do feel good, so I think my plan will work. This has been a big adjustment learning how to fit everything in. My job is more than full-time, I have a second job, still trying to study to get my license, and let's not forget my family! I need time with them! :) I have to admit it has made me more organized with my time, or maybe I should say disciplined. And, let's be honest, my house stays a mess. But a perfect house is not on my list of priorities right now!!

So despite all the scheduling chaos, I really have been trying to be good about reading my Bible, even if it is only 2 or 3 chapters at a time. I'm getting close to finishing the book of Job, and it never ceases to amaze me how much I gleam from each reading. I've started taking notes while I read to remember certain scriptures, or ideas that pop in my head. It's pretty neat. I pray every day for God to tell me what to write my blog posts about, and between reading, listening to KLove, conversations with my friends, and prayer it's like God took an idea and put all the puzzle pieces together for me this week. It was something I used to struggle with a lot, and until I became a true believer, I didn't understand. How bad things happen to good people.

That is what the entire book of Job is about. To make a long story short he is a man of high character that truly loves God, and everything is taken from him - wealth, family, and health, but he refuses to turn from God. His friends that come to help comfort him only end up giving him horrible, and irrelevant, advice and judge him. They told him he had sinned (even though he hadn't) and that's why God had punished him...great friends, huh. But, it made the wheels in my brain start turning...

Before my real, tangible experience with the Holy Spirit I was a nonbeliever. Then for about 8 years I was what I like to call a part-time Christian. You know, one of those that tries to go to church on a regular basis, but really only uses it for their own convenience...like I was still a good person if I went to church Sunday morning even though I made no true commitment to God.  It wasn't until this past year that I became a true believer, and started to focus on making my life one that people would see, and never doubt my love for Jesus. Cancer is what truly gave me the desire to be a disciple for Christ. I've said it before that I'm not really 100% sure if my blog is the way I am meant to disciple, but I feel for my life at the moment it is. I'm still learning myself, but I feel this burning desire to spread the love of Jesus because I know that if someone could experience even a fraction of what I have been blessed to know it would change their life. Drastically!

During my period of being a nonbeliever/ part-timer I would wonder what kind of God would let children be taken from their parents, car accidents, heart attacks, drug addiction, and death happen in our world. God was the one to blame for not stopping all the horrible craziness in our world...I mean isn't he supposed to love us?? Nothing bad should ever happen if we are "Christians", right? I was looking at it all wrong. People if there is a second thing I can't stress enough (the first would be that God's love is the only thing that will ever quench the longing in your heart) it is that the devil is real. He is the one that wants to brainwash us into blaming God. He wants to destroy our lives. By whatever means necessary!

What finally clicked for me (after dedicating my life to God) was that suffering can actually be a blessing in disguise. Yea I just stole Laura Story's song lyrics....they're just so good! :) You see, suffering helps feed our duty to help others. I'd bet that every non-profit or awareness campaign was started because a person had to deal with some type of misfortune, and felt the need to help others that were going through the same thing.  It also helps us see the true blessings around us! For example, yes I have cancer, but for today I got to kiss my kids goodnight, and tuck them in bed. Some parents don't get to do that tonight. Or, yes I might disagree with Rey over something, but I still get to hold his hand while we watch tv. There's a woman out there that doesn't get to do that tonight. It makes you look at one day at a time. To not take for granted that, on earth, we don't have forever. The fact that no matter what we face we aren't alone. That He is with us always! Yes he may not always intervene to "save" us, but sometimes there is something greater that is supposed to come of it. Cancer has taught me this.

A friend recently bought me the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. February 16th's devotion could not have said it better.
             "Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me. My strength and power show themselves most effective in weakness."

                                                             

Gifts From God

Let me start by saying that it bothered me A LOT when people would try to help me. Rey says I'm too proud. I try to never ask for help, and when I do it's only out of complete necessity. I've always looked at it as a sign of weakness. That I wasn't good enough if I couldn't do it myself. So, that being said, it's been hard adjusting to the overwhelming, outpouring of support from all of my friends, family, and even strangers! It's something that I've been struggling with. Really struggling!! I say that not because I'm ungrateful, but because I've always felt like there was someone else out there who needed it more, or deserved it more. Why should I deserve somebody's time, or money?? But, here's what God has shown me.

Let's start with Sunday. All of the Life Groups started a new short series called "The Genius of Generosity" by Chip Ingram. Generosity is not just about money, or how much, but also the small things we go out of our way to do to help others. I can't donate thousands of dollars, but I can give you my time. It made the wheels in my head start turning. It made me think of all the things people have done for me over the last few months. Then in service Wade Morris was the guest speaker, and he was awesome! One of the things I took most from it was the fact that I need to be in the Bible every day! Which made me remember a thing I saw on Pinterest that said "If you are too busy to be in the Word every day, then you're busier than God ever intended you to be." Talk about feeling convicted!

My good friends at work, Shannon and Angela, and I decided we were going to read it in chronological order. Shannon had printed off a schedule she found online, and we had started it January 1st. The schedule breaks it down so you can read it in a year. Well needless to say I was behind on my schedule (I'm still trying to catch up), but I was starting Job that night. Let's just say - great timing!

Job is the greatest example of keeping your faith in spite of tragedy and pain. The book of Job also reminds you how real Satan is. (As if turning on the news every day isn't enough to see he's running rampant in our society. Trying to break our world apart.) It made me think of all the things, just in the last 2 years, Rey and I have had to endure. In 2011, 2 months after we bought our house, Rey lost his job. He got another job about a month later, but then was laid off again 2 weeks before Christmas. Then one of our cars broke down, and we went 3 months with only one vehicle. Both of our kids were very sick last year. Timmy had tubes put in twice, Bella had to have a colonoscopy, and we had the flu, strep, and pretty much all the other nasty bugs go through our house. Then the Cancer Bomb gets dropped. The devil just keeps piling it on, throwing it in my face, but I will never cave. He will never break my spirit, and he will never make me doubt God's faithfulness. EVER! 

So, here is how God "explained" generosity to me. I say explained for lack of better words. It was like the light bulb effect. The ah-ha moment. Satan is the one telling me I'm not worthy. That I don't deserve people's help. That I shouldn't accept anything from others. Because he's trying to get in the way of God working through those people. Like because I haven't caved from anything else he's thrown at me, he's going to try and take away from what God has placed on others hearts to bless me. As my study Bible puts it, "Satan's ploy is to get us to doubt God's love and faithfulness towards us."

I had a friend come to my house the night of my biopsy. She said she was going to give me a gift. I started crying, we both started crying, and I told her I couldn't accept what she was offering. She told me it wasn't an option. She had been praying about it for weeks, and God had put it on her heart to give me this gift. If I said no I was standing in the way of God's blessings. I couldn't do that!

I love how God connects everything in my life to teach me, and "explain" things to me. From here on out I will remember these special gifts, meals, etc. as what they are. Blessing from Him. I will never expect anything. But, if it is meant for me I will accept it humbly, and gratefully, because there will come a day when I will be able to pay it forward!

Aye Aye Matey

Well this last treatment was rough. I felt good Thursday and Friday. Rey and I even got to have a date night Friday. We went to On the Border, and then saw Zero Dark Thirty. It was a pretty interesting movie. It was nice getting a night out together! We were trying to remember when our last date was, and we think it was last Valentine's Day....that's pretty bad! That is on our list of things to be better at in 2013 - remember more date nights!!

Saturday I started getting achy earlier than after my last treatment. I took my daily allowance of Aleve by 5pm, and at 830pm I gave in and took a pain pill and went to bed. I feel lucky that I haven't really thrown up much, but the immune booster is what kicks my butt!! I don't think I can fully explain how it feels to someone who has never experienced it, but it feels like your bones are throbbing, sometimes like they might even break. There are moments when I feel like someone blew up a balloon inside my rib cage, and it and my spine are expanding with it. All of my muscles are super tense and achy, I get headaches at the base of my neck, and sometimes it's hard to grip things. The chemo has also caused my blood pressure to be higher than normal, and Sunday morning I guess the shower was too warm because I almost passed out. Then I started dry heaving. I had to lay back down in bed for a while before I could get back up and get ready for church. But, it's killing the cancer, so it's worth it! In all honesty, it really hasn't been as bad as I expected which I am EXTREMELY thankful for!! 

This week was interesting to see how other people reacted to my scarves/bald head (under a baseball cap). People I know as well as strangers. You can definitely tell those who have experienced this in some way, whether themselves or a family member, because you can see the compassion in their eyes. There were a lot of younger men who I believe were trying to determine if I was a guy or girl. Which is kinda surprising considering I wear make-up, large earrings, and I have a rather curvy figure, but oh well. The night I went grocery shopping I got A LOT of side glances, and you could tell they were trying to avoid eye contact. I would be lying if I told you it didn't bother me at all, it did. I wanted to wear a sign that said, "Yes, I have cancer. Yes, I still smile.  And yes, life still goes on." 

I had a hard time at first with the scarves...it was like I couldn't get them to look right. I went the whole week feeling like I looked like a pirate (see picture below).

I'm a pirate!

I finally watched some YouTube videos that helped me figure out how to wear them. I also discovered that I like the larger ones because they're fuller, and make me not look like I have a tiny little head. I got very lucky because a lady I work with let me borrow a whole box of hers (she went through breast cancer about 7 years ago, so she had all different colors and styles). Bella has had fun helping me coordinate them with my outfits!

After the YouTube tutorials

Thank you YouTube!

Today I went up to the cancer center, and got a free wig. Rey helped me pick it out. I really like it, and I think it's cute, but as I found out today it's hot and kinda itchy. I know I won't wear it everyday, but it's definitely nice to have. Before I forget, sorry for the crazy eyebrows in the pictures! I've been lazy about getting them waxed since I know they're going to fall out sooner or later. :)

My free wig from the Cancer Society

Oh yeah, and of course Bella had to try it on too!!

Silly Bella Bear!!

No More Medusa

Well it's official. I'm bald. The shaving party actually turned out to be really fun! Mom started it off by cutting almost 11 inches off! She put it in a ziploc so it can be donated to Locks of Love. I really wanted to do that, but my hair started falling out pretty quick after my 2nd treatment, and I didn't get to. :(

My Mom cut off her ponytail to donate to "Locks of Love"

As you can see, everyone took turns either shaving or cutting my hair. The first picture I was just joking with Bella, hahaha! I kept telling her to go easy with the scissors because I didn't want to get stabbed in the head.

Everybody took turns shaving!

Then they started giving me all kinds of crazy hair styles like the comb-over. My brother, Kenny, was taking the pictures, and when he showed me the one below the first thing I thought of was Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder. I've never actually watched the movie...just the end credits where he's dancing, and it's hilarious!!

This is my Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder  look! LOL!!

Rey and Kenny both shaved their heads too. Rey took it all the way down with the razor, so he's a Mexican Mr. Clean now! :) My whole family was very supportive, and the kids loved it!

The Hubster took a Bic to his head! 

I've known this was going to be a part of the whole process, and at first I was nervous. Like, would my friends and family still want to go out to dinner if they knew everyone was going to be staring? Would I be able to handle all the side-wards glances? Would my husband still think I was beautiful? Would I cry when it came time to shave it?

Well, I most definitely did not cry. After waking up with hair on my pillow, and Chewbacca in the shower every morning, I was READY to shave it! Just so I wouldn't have to deal with it falling everywhere. My friends are not shallow, and so I was not giving them enough credit in my head because they would not be embarrassed by something so trivial. And, the look on Rey's face when I was done answered my other question. It was one of those looks that absolutely cannot be faked. Especially by him.  I call it his Grinch smile (not to him of course). He does it when he's either really happy, or he thinks something is really awesome. He does this tight lipped, perfectly U-shaped smile, like the Grinch when his heart grew 3 sizes. Then he told me I looked really cute. It was priceless, and I fell in love with him all over again! :)

Most importantly, I wanted to show my daughter that it really, truly doesn't matter what you look like. True beauty is in your heart, your actions, and how you treat others when no one else is looking. A few months ago, before any of this ever came about, Bella and I were talking. Here's a bit of our conversation.

                              Bella: Would you still think I was pretty if I had no teeth?

                              Me: Yes.

                              Bella: Would you think I was pretty if I had a big scar on my face?

                              Me: Of course.

                              Bella: Would you think I was pretty if I had big ears that stuck out?

                              Me: Absolutely.

                              Bella: Would you think I was pretty if I only had one arm?

                              Me: Yes ma'am.

                              Bella: So, pretty much you're saying you'll think I'm pretty no matter what.

                              Me: Exactly!!

This conversation has been at the front of my mind since I found out the type of chemo I'm getting would make my hair fall out. I just kept thinking what message would I be sending her if I tell her that no matter what I will always think she's beautiful, but then I shut-down because I lose my hair. I mean honestly, it's just hair. I'd be teaching her that vanity is more important. That's the last thing I want to do! I want to show her what it means to be a strong woman. I want to show her that "beauty" does not define you, and what it means to walk proudly with confidence, not arrogance.

 For a long time I struggled with the fact that I did not fit the world's definition of beautiful. It hurt that people made fun of me, and hurt my feelings. It took me down dark paths of depression, and eventually to a hell I wish never to return to. Actually, I know I will never go back. God pulled me out of that hell, so with Him by my side I'm good. From the first second I looked into the eyes of my precious baby girl, I vowed to teach her to love herself. To be confident, so that she might not have to ever endure those same feelings of doubt. To steal a quote I saw recently, "Parents need to fill a child's bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can't poke enough holes to drain it dry." - Alvin Price. The best way I knew to do this was by practicing what I preach. Walking the walk, not just talking the talk. So I took it like a champ. I held my head high, and shaved my head! And, I have to say it felt pretty darn good!

Here's the final result

Perspective

So, the last few weeks I feel like everywhere I turn I'm being slapped in the face with "perspective." I honestly don't mean that in a negative way...I mean it as like there's no denying what I'm supposed to take from the situations I've heard/seen/experienced. Like God is right in my face telling me, "you have all you will ever need. Know this! Remember this!" In my heart I know I do, but let's face it, it's a daily battle fighting against what "the world" thinks you should have, and what you actually need.

Here's a few examples.

Thursday at our COPAS meeting we had a speaker from the Wichita Falls Area Food Bank. Unfortunately I cannot remember his name for the life of me (I'm horrible with names), but he gave a very touching presentation about the crazy statistics in our very own community. You always hear about people in the big metropolitan areas, but in our little town. It was eye-opening! He said that, statistically speaking, you can look out your front door, and one of your three neighbors does not know when their next meal will be. That means 25% of our population is what they call food insecure. It took everything in me not to burst into tears by the end of the presentation. It made me remember. Perspective.

A few days before, a friend of mine's sister texted her asking for prayers. A lady that she's in the homeschool co-op with was driving with her 5 year old and 7 year old daughters, and they were rear-ended. Both little girls went to be with Jesus, and the mother is paralyzed awaiting surgery on her spine. In the blink of eye her precious girls were taken from her. Without one more kiss, without one more "I love you." It made me remember. Perspective.

Then there was worship service Sunday. I'm pretty sure if you were sitting around me I looked crazy. It was one of those shaking shoulders, sobbing uncontrollably, raccoon eyes moments. I don't remember which songs we were singing specifically, but all I know is I felt this overwhelming emotion come over me. I know it was Him. Every song we sang reminded me to trust Him, and that as long as I have Him I have everything I need. I need those reminders. That's why for the most part I pretty much listen to KLove all the time now. It's what keeps me grounded. It keeps me happy. It keeps Jesus in my life every day. It has changed my whole attitude towards life over the last year. I used to listen to some crazy music. My favorite band was Cradle of Filth. Not something I'd want my kids to listen to for sure, and beware if you decide to Google them. Anyways, I started listening to KLove, and everything changed. It wasn't angry. It wasn't crazy. It was uplifting, and happy, and wonderful! Before you know it you're a different person. If you don't already listen to Christian music, I strongly suggest trying the 30 day challenge. See how it changes you. And, like I said before it made me remember. Perspective.

http://www.klove.com/ministry/30-day.aspx

So, yes we don't live in a 2500 square foot house, we drive 10+ year old cars, we DO NOT wear designer clothes (unless they're hand-me-downs), I've never owned a Coach purse, and to be quite honest we've had times where in the famous words of Dave Ramsey, we've had to draw the line. But, here's what we do have. We have a roof over our head, we have food in our tummies, we have healthy amazing children, we have loving family and friends, a church home, and most importantly we have an Amazing God that provides what we need. Not what we want, what we need. So slap me in the face with perspective. It's what I require. I will take arguing kids over an empty house, a dinner of hot dogs and mac and cheese over growling bellies, and I will take a closer relationship with God over self sufficiency any day!! Because in the end, He's all that really matters.

Prayer Knots

Tonight my parents came over and ate dinner with us (sausage sliders - another super, awesome Pinterest recipe)! Rey used to complain about me being on Pinterest...then he realized how great it was...for his tummy! Haha!

Anyways, a friend Mom works with, Debbie Morris, had brought her a quilt to give to me today. It's beautiful, for so many reasons!

Thank you Debbie Morris and FUMC Graham, TX!

First and foremost, it's most beautiful because it is God working through the hearts of people I've never even met before. It's very moving that strangers took time out of their schedules to make something specifically for me. I cried. It touched my heart!

Second, each knot represents a prayer. They dedicated the quilt in front of the church, and each knot you see is a prayer someone said just for me. That's amazing!! Prayer is already such a beautiful thing, but the quilt gives it a physical reminder. Like every time I cuddle up in it, I'm being covered in prayer, and the love of those involved in making it...literally!

Prayer Knot

"Prayers & Squares" FUMC Graham, TX

It's also beautiful just because it's beautiful!

Bella and Timmy were super excited when they saw it too! I think they thought it was "theirs", and were a little disappointed when I told them it was for me. But, I told them I would share! :)

Thank you again to all that were involved in making the quilt and tying the prayer knots!! It meant so, so much!!

The Devil in My Head

Well for the most part this week has been pretty slow. Which I have to admit I've been pretty thankful for! I've felt pretty normal all week, and my taste buds came back Monday (which was nice!), so everything I ate didn't taste like metal.....I have to say nobody forewarned me about that side effect! Rey and I have been on a cleaning spree trying to get everything clean and organized before tax season starts in a few weeks. Trying to make our lives easier! For the most part this week has been pretty good, except I've been struggling with keeping the stupid devil out of my head.

There are so many changes happening in my life right now, and it allows him to creep in and put doubt in my head. Doubts about everything! Are my friends treating me the same, worries about money, medical bills, worries about whether or not this cancer is going to ruin my career, is my dream of becoming a licensed CPA slipping through my fingers, am I going to miss piano recitals, school functions, church programs, how is this going to affect our marriage??? Worries, after worries, after worries. Then it's like fingers snap in front of my face, and God is like, "HELLO?!?! I'm here! Don't listen to that crazy devil who is only trying to create doubt in your head, feed off your insecurities, and ultimately cause you to drift from ME!"

I was praying earlier today, and I asked Him to just take the worry from my heart (and my head), and that if these were things I didn't need to worry about then I wouldn't feel anxious about them. I wouldn't fret about the unknown. I also have to quit assuming things because when it comes to relationships, with anyone, perception is everything, and I tend to over analyze EVERYTHING! In my case it's always better to just ask, talk, and listen because 9 times out of 10 it's nothing like what I'm thinking.

Anyways, He gave me that sense of peace today. It's funny how I have faith that He will carry me through my fight against cancer, but I worry about all this little stuff. This week was definitely a reminder that God will provide in ALL areas of my life. It's all in His plan, and His timing. Not mine. I have to take the "me" out of the equation. I am also very blessed that He has put special people in my life to help me remember this fact! To keep me from going all Debbie Downer on everyone! When I have "breakthroughs" like today I like to imagine God giving the devil an old fashioned butt whoopin'. It makes me laugh! But, most importantly it reminds me that my God is so much more powerful, and awesome, and He will always prevail!!