'Til Death do Us Part

So, first I have to start by saying "Hey!" because it's been a really long time since I last posted. I try not to make excuses, but life has been crazy lately! Tax season is finally over, so Woo Hoo for that! I also finished my last chemo treatment on April 4th!! Yay!! I had a CT scan last Thursday, and I'll see Dr. Reddy this Thursday to find out when I start radiation, so God willing the end is in sight. That's probably a bad choice of words when you're talking about cancer, but I mean it in a good way, LOL!

Anyways, this week God has placed a huge burden on my heart, and even though it has nothing to do with dealing with cancer I wanted to share it with you all.

Marriage is not easy. If somebody tells you it's easy - they're lying! Now don't take me the wrong way. I love Rey! More than I thought I could ever love a person! Actually, until I met Rey, I didn't want to get married, but all the love we had for each other in no way made it easier for us. Now I'm not going to air all of mine and Rey's dirty laundry, but I'll just say it's been a roller coaster over the last almost 8 years. I think there were a few times where we both were wondering if the "D" word was in our future, but there was one thing that we both agreed on from the beginning. We were eating dinner at Taco Bell in little ol' Ponca City, OK, and we made a pact that it was forever. 'Til death do us part, and we could work through anything. Every time those moments came along when the enemy brought the "D" word into our vocabulary God strategically softened our hearts for the moment. Well here we are almost 8 years later, and we're coexisting. I feel like he doesn't love me enough and he doesn't really talk, so I have no clue how he feels. Thank God for our great friends who gave us the gift of tickets to the Love & Respect conference at our church this past weekend! It changed my life. I know that may sound corny, but it's true! The Holy Spirit touched my heart and opened my eyes.

I honestly went into the conference thinking "I seriously hope he listens to what they have to say. Maybe God will work in his heart, and change his attitude towards me." I think I even said that out loud to a close friend of mine. I thought it was Rey who needed to change. I should've known that all the praying I had been doing for God to give me the answers to "fix" my marriage would not come in the way I expected. Let me say this again real quick. Rey and I don't have a horrible marriage. I don't want you to think that, but I don't want to just coexist. I want our marriage to be more than just roommates who have kids. I want to like him. All of the time!! I know that sounds funny, but I know there are a lot of you out there that can honestly say you love your spouse, but you really don't actually like them anymore. Anyways, during the conference it was like God slapped me in the face. So hard that by the end I was crying. I had no idea what I had been doing to Rey. I was convicted by the Holy Spirit, and I was ready to make a change.

I had no idea that by always focusing on what he wasn't doing I had lost sight of the man I fell in love with. Saturday morning God opened my eyes to all the wrong I had caused in our marriage because of my fear of him making the "wrong" decisions, and I was so self-righteous to think that my way was the only correct way. I'm not God and I'm nowhere near perfect, so why would I be the only one who was right?? My controlling nature had been a large part of the direction our marriage had taken. Basically, my attitude towards Rey had made him passive, and completely changed him into the exact opposite of who I married. He had given up. I fell in love with Rey because he's a protector. I know without a shadow of a doubt that as long as he is with us no one will hurt us. No one! He's a hard worker and loyal! He goes to work every day, even when he's sick. He's funny and always makes us laugh, he is so much smarter than he gives himself credit for, he's a great dad, and he's incredibly sexy! Because I was so focused on the negative, I had completely lost sight of him. It was hard to swallow that by dishonoring Rey, I had really been dishonoring God. That's tough. I felt like a huge failure. But, failures give us a chance to make changes, and so Saturday was the day.

I want to be the wife that he can't wait to get home to. I want to be his best friend. I want to show Bella an example of what a godly wife looks like, and what a marriage should look like. I want to be an example of what type of wife Timmy will look for one day. But, most of all I want to glorify God in all that I do, and that means giving Rey unconditional respect! The Love & Respect conference could not have come at a better time! My only regret is that I wish I would've experienced this at the beginning of our marriage! I never would've expected for God's answer to my prayers to be for me to look in the mirror. I highly recommend getting the book Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs! It could change your life too!!

With Growing Pride I Wear My Scars

Wow! So much has happened in the last few weeks that it seems my brain is doing flips inside my skull. I do have to thank Jesus that I made it through today...just kidding! I keep trying to remind myself that it's always just another opportunity to practice patience, but I was home with 2 sick, whiny kids, and I didn't feel so great myself. I really shouldn't complain though because at least I got to spend some extra time with them, and for that I'm grateful.

This weekend was rough on my self-esteem. I'll be the first to admit this is one area in my life that I really, really struggle with. It makes Rey angry when he tells me I'm beautiful, and I don't believe him. It's hard. I've heard it so many times, "You'd be so pretty if you were skinny." At one point in my life I was a "healthy" weight. The problem was I got there in a very unhealthy way, and needless to say a year later when I got pregnant with Bella it all came back on, plus some. I have a few things I have to check off my list first before I can attack this head-on...like kicking cancer's butt and becoming a CPA. One day in the near future I will cross the finish line with my step-dad when I run my first marathon. That is my goal, but like I said I have a couple things I have to get out of the way first.

Anyways, back to this weekend. I'm not a girly girl. I don't feel the need to wear full make-up, I'm most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans, and when I did have hair I wore it up in a ponytail, a lot. That's not to say I don't like to dress up because I do, but I'm not one of those that can't leave the house unless I'm all done up. On the other hand, I feel like I'm still feminine. I have a curvy shape and "girly" features. But, the way people look at me now makes me feel like I'm a freak. I had a lady run out of the bathroom while I was in there with my daughter. I honestly don't know if she thought I was a man, or what. Anywhere I go people stare at me. I had someone say 'excuse me sir' the other day when I was getting on the elevator. I had on a pink shirt, earrings, make-up, and a purse, but whatever.  I don't know if it's the fact that I'm so young, that the possibility of cancer never crosses their minds. I've even joked about would it be easier if I wore leather and spikes. Would that make me look more normal?? I know that I seriously want to get a huge sign that says 'I have cancer. Please don't stare. It hurts my feelings.' Rey tells me all the time that it doesn't matter what people think, but it hurts. I can't help it that I'm an emotional person. That's how God made me.

I still smile at them, and I'm always polite because I know that I can't let the devil win, and break me down. I know that God made me strong, and He will bring me through. It gives me a teaching opportunity with my children, to show them how a person's words and actions can affect others. That God loves everyone, and wants us to love everyone no matter what they look like. I guess as long as I'm learning from my insecurities, I'm rising above them, or so I'd like to think. I just have to look at this as one more way God is molding me into a better person. The person He wants me to be.

Long Time No "See"

Wow! It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but it's been almost a month since the last time I posted. Time sure does fly!! Life definitely has a way of sneaking up on you. There have been so many things run through my head over the last few weeks that I wanted to share with y'all that I don't even know where to start. Maybe I'll just tell you about my past few weeks....

3 weeks ago was my 5th treatment, and let me say that was my roughest one yet! I ended up missing 2 days of work (I made them up later in the week when I felt better), but it took a lot out of me! Last Thursday I had my 6th treatment, and praise God somehow it was not as bad as the last! Maybe it was because I slept more, maybe because I ate better, or who knows, but for whatever reason it wasn't as bad. It wasn't good. But, it wasn't horrible either. It never ceases to amaze me how each one can be somewhat different. Or, what's even weirder, how the symptoms can come in waves. For example, this Monday I felt ok, and then Tuesday I was almost completely out of commission. My Zofran wasn't working. Zofran!! I only stayed at work for maybe an hour and a half before I gave up and headed home. The minute I got home I laid down in bed and woke up almost 5 1/2 hours later. Whoa! I guess I'm still not really good about "resting" until it gets to the point that my body just says "Ok. NO more." Although I'm not really sure rest can keep you from feeling like it would be better to just stay in the bathroom all day.

Cancer still hasn't killed that internal need to try and be superwoman. But, I have become more willing to accept help because honestly I need it. The last few weeks I feel like I've done good to keep my nose above water. And, that's ONLY because I have such a wonderful support system! I feel like if I'm not doing treatments (or recovering from them), then I'm working crazy hours making up what time I missed doing treatments, and if I'm not doing either of those 2 then I'm sleeping. I've never slept this much in my life. Well, maybe when I was a baby, LOL. But, I just remember that eventually it will be over. God willing, sooner than later. Then our lives can get back to what we consider "normal".

That being said, I had my CT scan on Wednesday. Dr. Reddy told me that if everything looked good then my last treatment might be my last. Whaaat!?!?!? Talk about nervous anticipation. The entire day my stomach was in knots...could it really be almost over? It's hard to believe I've already done 6 treatments. Sometimes I wish mine could've been spread every 3 weeks, like almost every other person I know or have read about, but that was not the case. But, it does mean they're over faster. If they're working. So, I just pray for God's will. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. His plan is ALWAYS better, and even though I might not understand it that's ok. I don't need to.

Blessings in Disguise

Well I made it through the second week of tax season. It was definitely easier than the first! The first week I had a treatment, and I felt awful all day at work Saturday...all 11 hours. But, I made it through, and that's all that matters. I've decided that it's best to frontload all my hours (have all my extra OT done by Friday) on the weeks I do treatment. That way if I feel bad on the weekend (which I know I will) I don't have to go in. It does mean really long days during the week, but those are when I do feel good, so I think my plan will work. This has been a big adjustment learning how to fit everything in. My job is more than full-time, I have a second job, still trying to study to get my license, and let's not forget my family! I need time with them! :) I have to admit it has made me more organized with my time, or maybe I should say disciplined. And, let's be honest, my house stays a mess. But a perfect house is not on my list of priorities right now!!

So despite all the scheduling chaos, I really have been trying to be good about reading my Bible, even if it is only 2 or 3 chapters at a time. I'm getting close to finishing the book of Job, and it never ceases to amaze me how much I gleam from each reading. I've started taking notes while I read to remember certain scriptures, or ideas that pop in my head. It's pretty neat. I pray every day for God to tell me what to write my blog posts about, and between reading, listening to KLove, conversations with my friends, and prayer it's like God took an idea and put all the puzzle pieces together for me this week. It was something I used to struggle with a lot, and until I became a true believer, I didn't understand. How bad things happen to good people.

That is what the entire book of Job is about. To make a long story short he is a man of high character that truly loves God, and everything is taken from him - wealth, family, and health, but he refuses to turn from God. His friends that come to help comfort him only end up giving him horrible, and irrelevant, advice and judge him. They told him he had sinned (even though he hadn't) and that's why God had punished him...great friends, huh. But, it made the wheels in my brain start turning...

Before my real, tangible experience with the Holy Spirit I was a nonbeliever. Then for about 8 years I was what I like to call a part-time Christian. You know, one of those that tries to go to church on a regular basis, but really only uses it for their own convenience...like I was still a good person if I went to church Sunday morning even though I made no true commitment to God.  It wasn't until this past year that I became a true believer, and started to focus on making my life one that people would see, and never doubt my love for Jesus. Cancer is what truly gave me the desire to be a disciple for Christ. I've said it before that I'm not really 100% sure if my blog is the way I am meant to disciple, but I feel for my life at the moment it is. I'm still learning myself, but I feel this burning desire to spread the love of Jesus because I know that if someone could experience even a fraction of what I have been blessed to know it would change their life. Drastically!

During my period of being a nonbeliever/ part-timer I would wonder what kind of God would let children be taken from their parents, car accidents, heart attacks, drug addiction, and death happen in our world. God was the one to blame for not stopping all the horrible craziness in our world...I mean isn't he supposed to love us?? Nothing bad should ever happen if we are "Christians", right? I was looking at it all wrong. People if there is a second thing I can't stress enough (the first would be that God's love is the only thing that will ever quench the longing in your heart) it is that the devil is real. He is the one that wants to brainwash us into blaming God. He wants to destroy our lives. By whatever means necessary!

What finally clicked for me (after dedicating my life to God) was that suffering can actually be a blessing in disguise. Yea I just stole Laura Story's song lyrics....they're just so good! :) You see, suffering helps feed our duty to help others. I'd bet that every non-profit or awareness campaign was started because a person had to deal with some type of misfortune, and felt the need to help others that were going through the same thing.  It also helps us see the true blessings around us! For example, yes I have cancer, but for today I got to kiss my kids goodnight, and tuck them in bed. Some parents don't get to do that tonight. Or, yes I might disagree with Rey over something, but I still get to hold his hand while we watch tv. There's a woman out there that doesn't get to do that tonight. It makes you look at one day at a time. To not take for granted that, on earth, we don't have forever. The fact that no matter what we face we aren't alone. That He is with us always! Yes he may not always intervene to "save" us, but sometimes there is something greater that is supposed to come of it. Cancer has taught me this.

A friend recently bought me the devotional Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. February 16th's devotion could not have said it better.
             "Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to Me. My strength and power show themselves most effective in weakness."

                                                             

Gifts From God

Let me start by saying that it bothered me A LOT when people would try to help me. Rey says I'm too proud. I try to never ask for help, and when I do it's only out of complete necessity. I've always looked at it as a sign of weakness. That I wasn't good enough if I couldn't do it myself. So, that being said, it's been hard adjusting to the overwhelming, outpouring of support from all of my friends, family, and even strangers! It's something that I've been struggling with. Really struggling!! I say that not because I'm ungrateful, but because I've always felt like there was someone else out there who needed it more, or deserved it more. Why should I deserve somebody's time, or money?? But, here's what God has shown me.

Let's start with Sunday. All of the Life Groups started a new short series called "The Genius of Generosity" by Chip Ingram. Generosity is not just about money, or how much, but also the small things we go out of our way to do to help others. I can't donate thousands of dollars, but I can give you my time. It made the wheels in my head start turning. It made me think of all the things people have done for me over the last few months. Then in service Wade Morris was the guest speaker, and he was awesome! One of the things I took most from it was the fact that I need to be in the Bible every day! Which made me remember a thing I saw on Pinterest that said "If you are too busy to be in the Word every day, then you're busier than God ever intended you to be." Talk about feeling convicted!

My good friends at work, Shannon and Angela, and I decided we were going to read it in chronological order. Shannon had printed off a schedule she found online, and we had started it January 1st. The schedule breaks it down so you can read it in a year. Well needless to say I was behind on my schedule (I'm still trying to catch up), but I was starting Job that night. Let's just say - great timing!

Job is the greatest example of keeping your faith in spite of tragedy and pain. The book of Job also reminds you how real Satan is. (As if turning on the news every day isn't enough to see he's running rampant in our society. Trying to break our world apart.) It made me think of all the things, just in the last 2 years, Rey and I have had to endure. In 2011, 2 months after we bought our house, Rey lost his job. He got another job about a month later, but then was laid off again 2 weeks before Christmas. Then one of our cars broke down, and we went 3 months with only one vehicle. Both of our kids were very sick last year. Timmy had tubes put in twice, Bella had to have a colonoscopy, and we had the flu, strep, and pretty much all the other nasty bugs go through our house. Then the Cancer Bomb gets dropped. The devil just keeps piling it on, throwing it in my face, but I will never cave. He will never break my spirit, and he will never make me doubt God's faithfulness. EVER! 

So, here is how God "explained" generosity to me. I say explained for lack of better words. It was like the light bulb effect. The ah-ha moment. Satan is the one telling me I'm not worthy. That I don't deserve people's help. That I shouldn't accept anything from others. Because he's trying to get in the way of God working through those people. Like because I haven't caved from anything else he's thrown at me, he's going to try and take away from what God has placed on others hearts to bless me. As my study Bible puts it, "Satan's ploy is to get us to doubt God's love and faithfulness towards us."

I had a friend come to my house the night of my biopsy. She said she was going to give me a gift. I started crying, we both started crying, and I told her I couldn't accept what she was offering. She told me it wasn't an option. She had been praying about it for weeks, and God had put it on her heart to give me this gift. If I said no I was standing in the way of God's blessings. I couldn't do that!

I love how God connects everything in my life to teach me, and "explain" things to me. From here on out I will remember these special gifts, meals, etc. as what they are. Blessing from Him. I will never expect anything. But, if it is meant for me I will accept it humbly, and gratefully, because there will come a day when I will be able to pay it forward!

Aye Aye Matey

Well this last treatment was rough. I felt good Thursday and Friday. Rey and I even got to have a date night Friday. We went to On the Border, and then saw Zero Dark Thirty. It was a pretty interesting movie. It was nice getting a night out together! We were trying to remember when our last date was, and we think it was last Valentine's Day....that's pretty bad! That is on our list of things to be better at in 2013 - remember more date nights!!

Saturday I started getting achy earlier than after my last treatment. I took my daily allowance of Aleve by 5pm, and at 830pm I gave in and took a pain pill and went to bed. I feel lucky that I haven't really thrown up much, but the immune booster is what kicks my butt!! I don't think I can fully explain how it feels to someone who has never experienced it, but it feels like your bones are throbbing, sometimes like they might even break. There are moments when I feel like someone blew up a balloon inside my rib cage, and it and my spine are expanding with it. All of my muscles are super tense and achy, I get headaches at the base of my neck, and sometimes it's hard to grip things. The chemo has also caused my blood pressure to be higher than normal, and Sunday morning I guess the shower was too warm because I almost passed out. Then I started dry heaving. I had to lay back down in bed for a while before I could get back up and get ready for church. But, it's killing the cancer, so it's worth it! In all honesty, it really hasn't been as bad as I expected which I am EXTREMELY thankful for!! 

This week was interesting to see how other people reacted to my scarves/bald head (under a baseball cap). People I know as well as strangers. You can definitely tell those who have experienced this in some way, whether themselves or a family member, because you can see the compassion in their eyes. There were a lot of younger men who I believe were trying to determine if I was a guy or girl. Which is kinda surprising considering I wear make-up, large earrings, and I have a rather curvy figure, but oh well. The night I went grocery shopping I got A LOT of side glances, and you could tell they were trying to avoid eye contact. I would be lying if I told you it didn't bother me at all, it did. I wanted to wear a sign that said, "Yes, I have cancer. Yes, I still smile.  And yes, life still goes on." 

I had a hard time at first with the scarves...it was like I couldn't get them to look right. I went the whole week feeling like I looked like a pirate (see picture below).

I'm a pirate!

I finally watched some YouTube videos that helped me figure out how to wear them. I also discovered that I like the larger ones because they're fuller, and make me not look like I have a tiny little head. I got very lucky because a lady I work with let me borrow a whole box of hers (she went through breast cancer about 7 years ago, so she had all different colors and styles). Bella has had fun helping me coordinate them with my outfits!

After the YouTube tutorials

Thank you YouTube!

Today I went up to the cancer center, and got a free wig. Rey helped me pick it out. I really like it, and I think it's cute, but as I found out today it's hot and kinda itchy. I know I won't wear it everyday, but it's definitely nice to have. Before I forget, sorry for the crazy eyebrows in the pictures! I've been lazy about getting them waxed since I know they're going to fall out sooner or later. :)

My free wig from the Cancer Society

Oh yeah, and of course Bella had to try it on too!!

Silly Bella Bear!!

No More Medusa

Well it's official. I'm bald. The shaving party actually turned out to be really fun! Mom started it off by cutting almost 11 inches off! She put it in a ziploc so it can be donated to Locks of Love. I really wanted to do that, but my hair started falling out pretty quick after my 2nd treatment, and I didn't get to. :(

My Mom cut off her ponytail to donate to "Locks of Love"

As you can see, everyone took turns either shaving or cutting my hair. The first picture I was just joking with Bella, hahaha! I kept telling her to go easy with the scissors because I didn't want to get stabbed in the head.

Everybody took turns shaving!

Then they started giving me all kinds of crazy hair styles like the comb-over. My brother, Kenny, was taking the pictures, and when he showed me the one below the first thing I thought of was Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder. I've never actually watched the movie...just the end credits where he's dancing, and it's hilarious!!

This is my Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder  look! LOL!!

Rey and Kenny both shaved their heads too. Rey took it all the way down with the razor, so he's a Mexican Mr. Clean now! :) My whole family was very supportive, and the kids loved it!

The Hubster took a Bic to his head! 

I've known this was going to be a part of the whole process, and at first I was nervous. Like, would my friends and family still want to go out to dinner if they knew everyone was going to be staring? Would I be able to handle all the side-wards glances? Would my husband still think I was beautiful? Would I cry when it came time to shave it?

Well, I most definitely did not cry. After waking up with hair on my pillow, and Chewbacca in the shower every morning, I was READY to shave it! Just so I wouldn't have to deal with it falling everywhere. My friends are not shallow, and so I was not giving them enough credit in my head because they would not be embarrassed by something so trivial. And, the look on Rey's face when I was done answered my other question. It was one of those looks that absolutely cannot be faked. Especially by him.  I call it his Grinch smile (not to him of course). He does it when he's either really happy, or he thinks something is really awesome. He does this tight lipped, perfectly U-shaped smile, like the Grinch when his heart grew 3 sizes. Then he told me I looked really cute. It was priceless, and I fell in love with him all over again! :)

Most importantly, I wanted to show my daughter that it really, truly doesn't matter what you look like. True beauty is in your heart, your actions, and how you treat others when no one else is looking. A few months ago, before any of this ever came about, Bella and I were talking. Here's a bit of our conversation.

                              Bella: Would you still think I was pretty if I had no teeth?

                              Me: Yes.

                              Bella: Would you think I was pretty if I had a big scar on my face?

                              Me: Of course.

                              Bella: Would you think I was pretty if I had big ears that stuck out?

                              Me: Absolutely.

                              Bella: Would you think I was pretty if I only had one arm?

                              Me: Yes ma'am.

                              Bella: So, pretty much you're saying you'll think I'm pretty no matter what.

                              Me: Exactly!!

This conversation has been at the front of my mind since I found out the type of chemo I'm getting would make my hair fall out. I just kept thinking what message would I be sending her if I tell her that no matter what I will always think she's beautiful, but then I shut-down because I lose my hair. I mean honestly, it's just hair. I'd be teaching her that vanity is more important. That's the last thing I want to do! I want to show her what it means to be a strong woman. I want to show her that "beauty" does not define you, and what it means to walk proudly with confidence, not arrogance.

 For a long time I struggled with the fact that I did not fit the world's definition of beautiful. It hurt that people made fun of me, and hurt my feelings. It took me down dark paths of depression, and eventually to a hell I wish never to return to. Actually, I know I will never go back. God pulled me out of that hell, so with Him by my side I'm good. From the first second I looked into the eyes of my precious baby girl, I vowed to teach her to love herself. To be confident, so that she might not have to ever endure those same feelings of doubt. To steal a quote I saw recently, "Parents need to fill a child's bucket of self-esteem so high that the rest of the world can't poke enough holes to drain it dry." - Alvin Price. The best way I knew to do this was by practicing what I preach. Walking the walk, not just talking the talk. So I took it like a champ. I held my head high, and shaved my head! And, I have to say it felt pretty darn good!

Here's the final result